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Lilian and I talked to basically let each other know that we need to talk. After all this ...2 and ¼ of a year of being together she breaks up with me. Then after the break up we're still together and all over each other like we're still dating. I'm scared and nervous and worried and freaking out and I feel so painfully effeminate. I'm dealing with all these emotions that I don't normally deal with on a regular basis and it's killing me. Normally my emotions flip like a switch and I don't know what I'm feeling from one minute to the next. Now there's pain or nothing. I'm not sure if nothing is what I want. I'd rather feel warmth. Love.

A lot of people sympathize because they've been there. A lot of people are dishing out advice and I'm not sure where it's taking me. Lately things have been like this for quite sometime. My cousin's been texting and calling me out the wazoo to do work for him and I've been working for him since February. I'm still yet to see a paycheck. Like a real one. I've gotten a little cash here and there but when I say little I really mean little. It's almost Thanksgiving now and I'm still yet to hit $100.

As far as I'm concerned I'm going to figure out what I'm doing for the remainder of the month and then I'm more than likely going to have to tell him I cannot do this anymore. It doesn't make any sense to do all this work for someone for about 11 months and not really get paid for it. The economy sucks, bills are sky high, gas is high, groceries are high, I still owe my college money, Sallie May is in my face, and I need a job.

I was sick recently, like bedridden, and the only way I was getting better was antibiotics. When I found out I needed them I nearly cried b/c I didn't have that kind of money to even pay for them. Then when the nurse told me I could pick them up at Meijer's for free (I sound like a walking advertisement) I about lost it. I was so happy. Thank God it only lasted a week after that.

Well I'm doing my best to recall the past few events as they've been recorded through text messages and through my own memories. I'm trying my best not to recast the events but record them as I've seen them and experienced them. As far as I can remember everyone's been asking me for artistic favors and during that whole episode it seemed all they cared about was what they needed. Checking up on me just so I can do more crap for them.

One specific example was when I was working on my cousin's stupid magazine he kept hounding me knowing I was basically hanging on for dear life to this miserable existence. That was September 23rd. I know you're sick but could you...., and how are you feeling today? I'll keep checking on you. Yeah, not because you care but because you want something from me.

So, Lilian and I broke up. During the summer. It wasn't one of those things that you hear about on TV or in movies where a person will go off somewhere and break up with their significant other over this long period b/c neither of them wants to be tied down. Something happened and went very wrong and she thought that we wanted different things and the relationship was never going to progress so she broke up with me.

During this period of time she was miserable and I was miserable and we realized that we couldn't be without the other one so we got back together. I know that sounds silly but we talked a lot and thought things over first. We actively made a listing of things that we needed to work on to make things better between us and progress things.

I was still making it a point to work on some things for Mike, Martine's husband, and my cousin's business. I've made logos for both of them, business cards for my cousin, flyers, letterhead, a media kit, multiple magazine mocks and covers.

We still talked and sorted things through on a regular basis. Supposedly women are talkers and communicators and all this other crap and that doesn't really work when the other person doesn't let you know what's going on inside their mind...leaving you to think that everything is OK and they're not really willing to work on the things that are truly wrong. There's no future in something that the other person doesn't want to work on. There's only pain, distress, and unhappiness but it's not like this life isn't full of these things anyway. Pain and suffering are like breathing. You f***ing deal with it, function with it, and move on.

With all this being said we continued on as we were. I was broke as a freaking joke since leaving FedEx back in late January/early February and feeling completely lost. I had basically reached a point in which my teachers gathered up and talked to me about the current direction of my life and whether or not I really wanted to graduate. I was like yeah I mean it's not like I have an endless amount of chances within this institution. I really need to get this completed. And they pretty much let me know the current path I was on wasn't going to allow that. Being awake all hours of the morning and getting in little naps when my body felt it necessary was ludicrous and I can't excel like this. I can barely function.

So I quit my job of 4.5 years and continued on with my education. Upon graduating I was quickly reminded I still had to do my senior show. So I gathered up all this stuff and put together a show that not many people really cared about. I took lots of pics and put them up online on Facebook.

Went a good 8 months without a job and at the recommendation of Lily, Jayme, and Joe I put in an application at McAlister's Deli. I got tons of hours at first. About a month there and it seemed like I was rolling in dough. Then I went from tons of hours to barely surviving and covering all sorts of charges on my credit card. I didn't have enough to pay on the card so I got a nice lil' call when they finally caught up with me and they took like $35 or $50 out of my account unexpectedly. I had to figure out what I was going to do as far as rent.

Then Christmas eventually rolled around and I couldn't have cared less. Merry Christmas. I've barely got my health, got my girlfriend, and I've got bills out the a**. Then into the new year.

2009 isn't looking much better. Here's what's happened thus far. I took my fill of abuse in the means of inadvertently being told stop begging for hours and “we'll see what we can do” and still only being given 8 hours a week to work to transferring out. I found another location in Fishers which was more than willing to accommodate me. I was closer to Lilian, I could have more money to pay my bills and start working toward something more with her.

Then at the end of March we broke up...again. It was more like I know relationships aren't just about the one person but I'm sorry I can't do this anymore. I'm tired of the dramatic ups and downs and when things are good they're great. They're amazing but when things are bad they're horrible. I can't do this anymore! I DON'T LOVE YOU! Yeah that part was in caps because she was yelling it past the tears that I was helping to wipe off of her face. “I'm sorry but there's just no other way for me to say it.” And then the rain came down so hard. I came down around me and it came down in my head. Its like standing at the circle of downtown and watching all the buildings fall down around you and there's nothing you can do about it. You just pray for a quick end.

My car broke down. The damned thing would not start for the life of me. Lilian's dad comes around and noticed my car was acting up again and said she could give me a ride to work. I didn't want to ride with her. I just wanted to let her go her own way. Apparently, doing the same thing in the relationship wasn't the way to go. Despite everything. The excessive goofiness, the lack of seriousness in some situations, the lack of consideration and compassion, the lack of being refined and ladylike...none of that mattered to me. All I wanted was her. Just as she was would've been fine. You don't have to cook. You don't have to clean. You don't have to be my savior. You don't have to be superwoman. Just be you.

Those words will forever echo into my heart. Etched into my very f***ing soul. Despite everything I looked at us as best friends and lovers. We could tell each other anything and everything. We could cross the boundaries and come back again. There were times when i wanted to shout at her or even worse but took time away from her and backed away from the situation so I didn't say or do anything regrettable. I thought I was doing something right. Doing something to preserve things. Doing things in a way that would've been fitting and acceptable. Apparently, I was damned from the beginning. It's not a falling away. It's not a calling it quits. It's a realization that things were never ever meant to be in your favor. I mean it.

I saw a friend of mine for one of the last times I will probably ever see her again. She moved to Texas. I went back to my car and it started one more time and I barely made it home. On the ride home I got a phone call and heard sobbing. A friend of our family had been shot in the heart and killed. I could help but thing “D*mn, God, how much more can I take?” We're not supposed to be dealing with more than we can handle but we get awfully f***ing close.

I held on to hope because we talked again after that. She was confused about her decision but I think what it was is that she wasn't confused about her decision but more in turmoil because she began to give away her heart to someone else. I think she might be falling for another friend of hers that she went to school with: Aaron.

I mean, it's alright. I have no place or say anything or do anything – as she'd like to say. If that's what she really wants then so be it. F*** it. This life is so hard to deal with. Where is my God? Why am I always left holding the bag? I am sick to death of all the pain and the sorrow. Is that all that this life is? Suffering?

I can't breathe. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I'm taking so many antidepressants I'm attempting not to overdose but from the core part of my heart I really do. I want to overdose. God help me I want to die. I mean, I've been to this point before where I didn't care if I lived or died but food has lost it's taste. Life has lost it's enjoyment. There's no love here. There's no life. There's no light. Only darkness and pain.

The only thing that sedates me are the pills. The only thing that consoles me are the thoughts of my own demise. I keep playing with the idea. 7/8/09. One day and 30 minutes after the day and time of my birth. It's like a numbers game in my head. I was born during a day and time considered to be lucky – fortunate – in communication/alignment with The Creator. And one day, half an hour, and an undisclosed amount of seconds later I keep playing with the concept of ending my life.

I mean, why not? If we, as humans are the closest things to God and God likes to do associations by numbers why can't I? My first name has 7 characters, middle has 7 characters, and last name has 5 characters and surname has 2. which adds 3 7s to the equation. Not sure what that means for me and my life. In terms of numerology or something like that my numbers are 5 and 7.

I stopped keeping track of that stuff so much. I'm not sure how much it matters or if it even matters at all. Aside from all this since there's so many significant things throughout the word that are number related it's hard to keep track of it.

I spent about 3 days in mourning for my friends – their whole family. Went to the funeral and mom went to a special memorial service. Seeing people in that much pain is really freaking hard to deal with. Something inside of you cries out and something else dies. Watching people yell, people scream, people break down, nearly faint, and some being carried of somewhere to be comforted because they can't deal with it. One of the girls (sister to the son that was shot – not naming any names) is mentally handicapped. Seeing her all in a tizzy was hard. I mean, she may or may not even grasp the totality of the situation just know that her brother is gone and he's not coming back. Or just know that her mother or sister or entire family is in some serious heart-wrenching pain.

I don't know. I don't know all of what she knows. And then there's his son. A tiny little boy about 4 years of age. He saw his father gunned down. He was able to say the man shot daddy right here *points to a spot on his chest* and then daddy fell down right here *points to a spot on the ground* and the men (paramedics) tried to bring daddy back but daddy's gone. What a profound effect that must've had on that boy. Not only to lose your father at such a young age but to have seen it? And to be able to say that much? There must be some sort of restitution that happens in situations like these. There has to be.

Mom would recant of the days in which she used to say that the mom honestly believed that my mom was lucky because she had me. I could've went the route that he went. We were the same age and grew up in similar situations in similar neighborhoods. I didn't end up how he did...in more ways than a little. And just when he was turning his life around he was gunned down. It's f***ed up how things end up sometimes. There's no real sense of rhyme or reason for any of it.

Now with all that I am I spend all my time playing Guild Wars, working, spending a less than adequate time among other living people and sleeping. I keep myself nice and sedated so I don't have to deal with the world around me and so I don't do anything to myself. Regardless of it all I still have to deal with some pain. I try really hard to avoid thinking at all. I know my thoughts are really cyclical so just when I think it's all over they come right back.

Mostly my thought pattern will focus around Lilian and this whole mess. In my mind she was really my last chance for a sense of happiness or a future. I don't really see anything now but when I was with her I could see what our future children could look like. I spent a lot of time thinking of names...male and female and the more I think about it all I think of how this will never come to pass now. My friends are pretty much like she's burned you twice now why would you want her back after all this? But I can't help how my heart feels. I hurt for her. I yearn for her. I love her with every ounce of my being.

I can't stop thinking about her. I can't stand to look at a Buick. Everyone in it looks like her. I'm always looking for her just so I can catch a glimpse of her. I'm awake around the same time she would be driving to work. And I'm thinking “right about now she would be at this point in the city, right about now she would be here or turning in this general direction, right about now she's passing me by...just like in life not only directionally.” and I think to myself God is this my destiny? Will I always be so painfully skeptical and cautious that everything good about life will pass me by? If that's how it's going to be – if that's the extent of everything that's supposedly love for me...I can't deal with this. I can't keep giving away pieces of myself and of my heart and let someone get so close to me I feel like I need them so deeply in my life. I can't have that person consume so much of my time and thoughts and my every fantasy just to up and disappear like that.

I wanted to give her my everything. I wanted to make her my wife. I wanted her to have my children. I still think about her hugs, her holding me, her kissing me, and everything else. Most everything I shared with her, I gave to her, was everything that I would give intently to the person I wanted to marry. I guess I can say to Hell with that now.

Part of me feels a lot like Jennifer Aniston's character in Bruce Almighty. I'm praying in my mind please Lord I can't deal with the pain. Please let me not be in love with her anymore. It hurts when I open my eyes, it hurts when I breathe, I hurt when I wake up, I hurt when I smile. I don't cry as much as I want to. My self-defense mechanisms won't allow it.

Currently, my main goal is to not break down. My heart rate keeps beating out of control, my heartbeat keeps becoming more and more erratic, my body keeps having nervous shakes and I get so weak that moving and walking isn't an option. Talk about crippling panic attacks. This is literally killing me.

That's all for the sadness portion of what plagues me. Now for the anger.

What in the hell? Why would someone know what was going on through their head for 3 months and not tell the other person? If you knew you didn't want to be with me and wanted to be with someone else or whatever you should've let me know. I had no problem telling you all the things that were going on in my head – spilling my guts, giving you my heart, giving you my body, giving you my love, my thoughts, my money, my blood/sweat/tears, my everything.

You couldn't even open up and talk to me. Talk about some bulls***. And I'm supposedly your best friend and your intellectual stimulation. What the f*** ever. Just admit it. I'm nothing to you. You know how I can tell? You stopped being a friend long before you stopped being a girlfriend.

Friends open up. Friends give freely. Friends don't continually dredge up old sh** and toss it back in the other person's face. Friends give their time to commit to any sort of continuation of a relationship. They don't just call they come by. They spend all the time with you that they can and don't run around doing other sh** the whole f***ing time. If I wanted to cook I'd take a class. If I wanted to clean I'd be at the door with a d*mn broom and dustpan.

A long a** time ago we had all these f***in talks about all this stuff and now I wonder if any of it was true at all. Part of me feels so sorry for anyone that ever chooses to get close to you. You spend so much of your d*mn time talking about how you want, you need, you this and that and then when you get it you don't know how to treat it or discard it. You are that Robot Chicken satirical emulation of The Last Unicorn. Another unicorn shows up and you gar the sh** out of it with your horn and then go back to talking about “oh woe is me”.

Right about now she's probably falling for someone else. Kissing someone else. Loving someone else. I don't know what else to/with someone else. Don't think that she's that kind of person. I hope not. I'd like to think I know her better than that. But s*** for that matter there were a lot of things I would've liked to have thought that I knew. Come to find out I didn't know s***.

Why is it that I think I can never be in love? That I can never be open? That I can never be happy? Because life doesn't end up that way. All my life's experiences have shown me that all that I have to look forward to is pain. Pain and change are the only constants. So by default I was totally f***ed from birth.

Everything relationships have ever taught me, in any form or fashion, are that people can't be trusted. You can't lean or depend on anyone. It really is all you. Balls to the wall. You come in to this f***ed existence alone and you're crippled. And you essentially leave out the same way. Crippled and alone.

D*mned shakes and breathing problems. “Each morning I get up I'm dying...can't barely stand on my feet.”

Last time it was like a 2 month break. This time feels a little more permanent. From wanting to get married to barely wanting anything to do with me. What a sucky existence I have. I am wandering without any focus. I'm hearing weird sh** every time I start to feel like I'm going to end it before my set appointment. Some woman's voice that I don't recognize saying something to the effect of “don't do it”. Creeps me the hell out and yet piques my curiosity in a way that I'm not accustomed to.

I couldn't but wonder “Do what”? Don't kill myself? Don't lose faith? Don't lose hope? Don't do it...why not? The voices at random are the most intriguing of all my life's happenings. One of my friends (Joey) gave me some interesting insight – yet another interesting interpretation of the bible in terms of it's meaning and functionality and things of spiritual and numerical and all sorts of other forms of value. And just to indulge my brain a bit in this thing that God as a spirit and all these different aspects of nature and the world around us and Jesus as this perfect manifestation of God in the flesh – all of the spiritual realm and the natural order speaking and communicating with us... I don't really know if there's something in the word that speaks to my bloodline and dreams and voices and whatnot. I know there's an overall generalization of my generation or the peoples of this world and the end times.

Thing is it's not the first time I've heard it. I remember a time when Lilian and I were in the kitchen and I pulled her close to me. And we kissed so deeply. And she stared into my eyes and we kissed. It went on like this for a while. And then I heard it. “You're happy aren't you? It feels good doesn't it. Enjoy it while it lasts. Cherish it. It won't last forever.”

Then I began to dwell on it and “spontaneously”began crying. But it wasn't the type of crying where your face folds up and looks so incredibly anguished. But rather the kind where tears just start flowing wit no real signs of a beginning or an end. Just flowing. And she kept asking me what's wrong. And I said nothing. I mean, who wants to explain that in such a tender moment? Maybe that was God. Maybe she wasn't the one for me. Maybe I don't actually have a “one for me” and I should just give the hell up.

There's no chance that I'll find someone that's a virgin. That loves me completely. That's dedicated. That won't cheat. That won't break my heart. That won't hurt me. I mean, really hurt me. I can't help but feel distraught. Am I not supposed to dream? What can a man have if not motivation and drive and dreams? Am I not supposed to be happy? Am I not allotted that basic joy of having someone? I felt comfortable in my heart saying “This is my woman. The mother of my future children. And I am her man. Her future husband.”

Apparently I don't have a betrothed nor a beloved. The only person I'm allowed to love is myself and I can barely manage that one. How pathetic is it that I can't even look at a car that somewhat resembles her own without looking at the driver just hoping that it's her so that I can catch a glimpse? That I look around my house and all I see is her? Everything I've ever done plays and replays in my head over and over again making the minutes unbearable. Every time I'm in my car I see her in the passenger's seat. I can't stand to look to my right. And she still fills my every thought and all my fantasies. I hate myself for still whispering “I love you” to her when I leave the house. And especially for feeling something like this knowing it's killing me slowly.

One thing that holds me especially curious is where does the line begin and end with love and adoration and fascination or obsession? Is love not supposed to be in your every waking breath? Is it not supposed to consume your thoughts? And yet is God not supposed to be the very pinnacle of all hierarchy? The crux of all your thoughts? Is that why I'm unhappy? Is He not number one? And if that's the case, is that why everything I ever work so hard to build and make a move toward crumbles and collapses underneath me?

Some believe that all you have to do as a person of faith is believe and pray and things will work themselves out. Just sit back and wait on God to move. Others believe that God helps those that help themselves. Prayer, faith, and waiting are a part of it but there is a time and a place for everything and a large part of it is also determined by you and God's will for you.

This ebb and flow of tears. It's maddening particularly in the late hours of the night. Part of me wants to cry and the other part doesn't. It's not as if though I'm fighting the emotion because I'm wanting to. It happens automatically without any direct effort on my own behalf.

I can't help but hide behind the laughter and smiles. It's a nice complimentary mask to hide all this sadness inside that's eating me up. I'm trying to hang out with as many people as I can manage to get together with. Trying to smother what I feel. Reading my bible, beyond the promise I made but maybe I can find reason to keep going. Don't yearn for anything. Don't feel anything. Maybe that's better than the pain.

And I keep thinking maybe I should talk to someone but then again that's never really been my thing. Anyone that knows me knows this fact. And as far as confiding in others goes my trust is more than a little low. It's absolutely dismal. It doesn't cease to be proven that every time I think it's alright to open up and trust someone somewhere along the line that faith is shaken and the trust destroyed.

As far as my connections with people go I talk to even fewer people now than I did before. I know I'm not too big on the social kick but this? This is ridiculous as well. On top of everything else then the guy calls me back and leaves his number and tells me that it is going to cost $200. Now, when I saw the initial damage that was done when my car coasted into his big black SUV (Jeep) it looked no bigger than 2 of my fingers put together. Maybe a thumb. I don't understand how something so small could cost so much.

I made a few calls around to other companies to see what I could come up with in a rather timely fashion. After roughly 24 hours I called some friends over at Church Brothers and described the damage done and they said a job like that should cost no more than $100. I could take it to them and they'd patch it and paint it for that price so I called that guy and he said that I could just send him a check for $100 and he'd get it done at his local mechanic rather than drive from Anderson to Indy to take care of it. It's funny how the price drops by $100 out of sheer convenience huh? Not to mention after very little pushing about who he is at this company he works at I came to find out he's a VP.

A f***in' Vice President at a company!!! Now, with that being said you would essentially be safe to assume that being a VP he's got money. So with all this money, you'd think he'd be willing to let a scratch like that slide. NOT that I'm trying to shrug and shirk off my responsibilities. I'm indebted to this man for the damage that I caused but if you see someone in a T-shirt for a f***in restaurant and you're in a suit about to hop a plane somewhere with your woman and you're a VP ...why try to rake that person over the coals? I gave him my name and info so it's not like I'm trying to dick him over.

I've always got to be especially leery of so many people because someone's always trying to pull a Pulp Fiction.

“What does Marcellus Wallace look like?
What country you from?
What ain't no country I ever heard of! They speak English in What?
Then you know what I'm saying!
Describe what Marcellus Wallace looks like!
What, I-?
[pointing his gun] Say what again. SAY WHAT AGAIN. I dare you, I double dare you, motherf***er. Say what one more g*dd**n time.
He's b-b-black...
Go on.
He's bald...
Does he look like a b*tch?
[Jules shoots Brett in shoulder]
Then why you try to f**k him like a b*tch, Brett?
I didn't.
Yes you did. Yes you did, Brett. You tried to f**k him. And Marcellus Wallace don't like to be f***ed by anybody, except Mrs. Wallace.”

Now, because he'd rather take it to his mechanic, I've got to make more phone calls and get something written up and a receipt of sorts saying that he would rather accept the $100 as payment for the services rendered and would rather take it to his mechanic than take it to mine. So be it. I'm just trying to make sure that my insurance premiums don't go up and these seemingly insurmountable problems don't continually rise. I mean, as far as I'm concerned I'm not going to get my hopes up. I'm always dicked but I could stand to be a little less dicked.

Some people have seen the real me and know that I'm like this on a regular basis. If not by appearance they at least know it's in my head. I'm planning to force myself to switch gears. I'm intending to hide it from even those that know me. And I'm trying to turn my life around. I'm giving myself a month. That's about all I have left in me.

I think I'm done messing with Lilian What I mean to say is, I'm done extending my hand to her. The way she expresses herself to me involves such overall disdain for someone who's supposedly so important to her and in her life that I don't even want to involve myself in that. She seems happy and content the way she is without me...or at the very least with me at more than arms length away from her. So be it. I was crowding her and I know that but giving her space doesn't necessarily mean I'm trying to get with you just talk to you because I miss you. It's a heartache sort of thing and honestly heart felt. But, s***, like I could tell her any of these things – like she'd listen to me. Hell, like it would matter at all.

What things I don't understand in the way of her thinking process is she's like “I'm doing what I want for my sake for once.” Sh*t, like you ever stopped. Once you started you took that path time and again. You interjected yourself into situations and put input in where it was neither asked or required. It's not like it wasn't appreciated but by the same token it was not always appreciated either. For someone who doesn't like drama you sure do seem to drag around and create a lot of it. All for the sake of caring. I never understood that.

Adding on to that, for someone that supposedly loves someone or something you'd think that you'd want to make moves toward the future or to be around that thing you love more often. The only f***ing person moving was me. I'm in an area of the state that I neither have feelings toward nor against. I don't know it as well as I would've liked and it all reminds me of the past.

In any case, I think because of my current status I'm losing weight. People are beginning to mention it. I don't know because I never pay attention to it. I don't eat much. I can't really sleep much either. That may have something to do with it.

Flipping back to the past, when she and I broke up the first time (I hate this phrasing because she left me, it wasn't a “we broke up” she quit on me) – because she thought that I wasn't wanting a family, a future, marriage and all this other stuff...I got texts about her day, what she was up to, what she was thinking about, her wishes and dreams. There's nothing now. Once a week, maybe twice, if at all in a two week period I'm lucky to hear anything from her at all.

I believe I have unmistakably developed an aversion to Bath and Body Works. Every time I smell it, it reminds me of her. The soaps around my home are all from there. This month is going to suck.

For the month of June, this is me decidedly taking a stand – against anyone and anything that would stand against me. And at the same time, besides all my misery and hating every waking moment, I'm pushing all that aside to enjoy things. Maybe in forcing myself to keep reading my Bible I can find something that speaks to me. Maybe there's something that will pop right off the page to me and make a dramatic difference in my life.

What the hell is wrong with people? Whether it's me thinking about Anna, Angelique, and in essence Lilian when people can't fix you they give up. They look at a problem and go “I can be your solution”. Why the hell do you think you can be my solution? I don't need to you to come down off your high horse and save me. Don't offer me redemption that you can't provide. I didn't ask for it so I don't need it. What I need is for things to go right. For plans to become actualizations. For problems to be solved. I don't need you thinking you can be my solution. I don't need anymore people trying to offer themselves up as my savior. But I'll tell you what I do need...I need a change of direction.

I need someone who's gentle when things need to be gently done. I need comfort when i need to be comforted. I need understanding when things are so horribly awry and it feels like no one understands. I need strength when I am weak. I need someone who has the curiosity, tenacity, and dedication to find out what it means to suffer like me, with me, and in some cases for me...for the moments in which I can't.

There was a quote I found on a colleagues Facebook: “Resolve to be tender with the young...Compassionate with the aged... Sympathetic with the striving... and tolerate with the weak and wrong.... Because sometime in your life you will have been all of these.” I resolve to pick up the pieces of my life and make an attempt to keep moving on – despite my thoughts and previous half-hearted attempts on my own life.

Don't get me wrong for even a moment. Even though I hate my life. Even though every waking moment and movement in this existence is a pain to me unlike any other comparatively. Even though everything reminds me of some sort of a past failure and though I feel like I'm always on someone elses back burner, even God's Himself....I have to keep moving. Eternally striving toward a pursuit of happiness.

Maybe it's a renewed sense of my being like I found in church though I couldn't stop thinking that “if I just sped up to a speed of x, and jerked the wheel toward y, then maybe just maybe I could be allowed to die” but I don't know if I can stop...not yet. I totally had it all planned out and now I can't really see myself doing it right now. I didn't want to do it at home. That did cross my mind. Alberto did that. It really messed his mom up since she was the one who found him.

I was thinking in my POS car since so much of my money and life and time and energy revolved around it, in it and all that. I'll end this here. For now...I will keep going. I must keep going

Current Mood: apatheticapathetic
Current Music: The Sounds of Guild Wars as I sit in my guild hall
19 August 2008 @ 03:15 pm
I’m trying to get all this stuff off my mind while I have the nerve even though I’m nowhere near the person that I care about so dearly. Over the course of my stay out here in Denver I can’t get away from my old self. I can’t stop wanting to go goth and homicidal/suicidal. I keep desperately trying to find my sense of self over again – the brighter, happier me.
I’m probably driving everyone insane by staying in my shell. Scotty keeps worrying and trying to get me to come out of the house and go karaoke with him but I haven’t been up to it. I’ve just been staying to myself and sleeping as much as humanly possible. I stopped eating, sleeping, bathing, everything. I just wanted to die.
All that made sense was the pain and the tears. The reason behind it all, sadly enough, is a woman. Lilian, after 2 years and 3 months, called our relationship to a close. I’m single again but as far as I’m concerned am back on the market.
I can’t deny the fact that I miss her. She’s one of my first thoughts waking up and one of the last ones before going to sleep. I can’t text her as much as I’d like because of the fact that it’s like 15 cents for each text message. She doesn’t have unlimited. I’m not trying to raise her bill and any contact is better than none.
She keeps in contact and sending texts about silly things like how much she loves the Aerosmith song “I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing” or some seemingly new group called Secondhand Seranade and in response I’m just trying to fill her in on more great music like: Fly Away From Here (Aerosmith), Leona Lewis – Better In Time, How I Could Just Kill A Man – Charlotte Sometimes and some others.
It’s sad, really. We used to talk every single day and now we talk every two days, trying to do the friend thing and give each other space. I can’t stop telling her that I miss her. She keeps telling me little things like “I miss singing with you” as to not feed into the fact that I’m still pining for her.
As for me? I miss EVERYTHING about her! It’s sick really. I feel all f***ed up over this. I miss sitting with her, singing with her, eating with her, sleeping next to her, having deep conversations with her, spending quality time with her, being close to her, the smell of her hair, the smell of her skin, the taste of her kisses, the scent of her breath, her laugh, her smile, her expressions, her hugs, the way it feels when she’s next to me – close to me.
Ryan and I have been clowning everyday. Walking a lot, talking all the time, sitting together, watching movies, wrestling around, poking at each other (both of us are a little ticklish), sending random text messages to one another throughout the course of the day and trying to stink the other one out of the room. He’s got some of the worst gas ever. There’s only one dude I know who has worse gas and his name is Gary. We used to work at FedEx together.
This dude smelled like hot garbage and pickles every time he farted. I almost threw up. Worst of it is the fact that every time he did it, it lingered and when you were miles away from him after the fact you couldn’t stop remembering the smell and consequently the taste.
Getting back on task, while I’m here at Ryan’s place there’s something here that smells like Lilian and her house. I can’t deny that either. Suffering from depression is a bia. I can’t do anything without thinking of her. It hurts so bad. Back on the 13th of this month Stephanie called me and sent some text messages about what she’d been up to and how things are going with Josh. I hope he’s a good one. I can’t say I’m in support of their relationship because in my mind she already had her chance once she married James. He wasn’t that great of an individual back in high school (Broad Ripple) and she married him.
Things with those two fell apart after several years of marriage and 2 children together. Well now I just want to make sure that she’s ok with this guy. I can’t support it since she’s someone else’s wife as long as one of them is alive but I can wish her happiness, love and God’s presence.
The whole reason for bringing all this up is because along with that I’d heard that Hailie (my goddaughter) hadn’t shown up on the bus stop. I start freaking out (trying to remain calm), Stephanie is freaking out, Josh is freaking out, Tera (Stephanie’s sister) starts freaking out and I’m thinking about how I’m in Denver – what can I possibly do to help from across the country?! Then I get the message that they got her.
The bus driver got lost (my guess is he or she is new) and they were driving around for 3 hours because they got turned around trying to find the spot they picked her up from. Sad part is everyone back at the station was going home and couldn’t give a crap less. Our school system sucks. I might home school my future children.
Dealing with Joy through this whole ordeal hasn’t exactly been ideal. I’m asking questions and she’s not even responding and when she does it’s like the suckiest possible response ever. Joe had been the same way. I had to end up popping some anti-depressants after talking with him.
I asked Joy some questions and whether or not Lily and I will get back together. All she could say was wow. And when I asked what wow was that was her response. And And Lilian is busy forcing me out of her heart trying so hard not to love me…then and only then did she respond. I told her that now that Lilian is busy forcing me out of her heart I’m trying to find other things to do with myself. Her response was “her only insight is that it might be time to completely let her go. After hearing that portion of the story, pushing the guy away is a girl’s way of saying goodbye when they don’t actually have the heart to say it. “Friends” is the only thing she can see in our future at this point and this whole thing sucks so bad but I have to let go.
My response to that was less than favorable. Oh my sweet, Lord, I struggled with that one. First there was anger. I was enraged at the thought. Then shame, I was saddened by the way everything had transpired and even more so the feelings I had no idea of how to deal with. I kept telling myself I wasn’t in love throughout the entire ordeal but I don’t really know if that’s true. Sadness, due to the fact that it was over – I cried so much over this entire thing. Foolish because for being a man and supposedly some sort of leader with a dominant personality she still got to call all the shots.
I couldn’t help but feel foolish because I felt like some toy she’s done playing with. It began from a mutual attraction coupled with her desire to jump right into another relationship immediately after both of us had just ended one/gotten out of one. I was miserable without Anna. She was miserable being with Jeremy. And then when times got tough and she felt as if though she needed her space she ended things with me. Her fear of being alone and my fear of letting someone in really f***s things up.
I mean, it’s like she called all the shots and I have no say. It’s not like I can actively force her to be with me but it hurts like H*ll without her. To say the least I felt like a fool – a foolish tool. I wanted to take this opportunity to spend my time completely immersed in my environment. Even that didn’t work. There wasn’t a single moment when I wasn’t thinking about her. Even when I was off trying to do anything and everything to get her off my mind, it just wasn’t really in me. When I was looking at other women all I could think about was her and how they didn’t measure up.
I’d gotten too close to her to know that no one else really compared. I mean, people can be persuasive and intriguing but there’s so much I know about her in intimate detail that I can’t really even look at anyone else. I know what I have in her. That’s all I really care about.
At the moment, though, I was pissed. Then it became another moment in which women didn’t make any sense and it wasn’t worth trying. She really was, as far as I was concerned, my last shot. “Women are ridiculous. You all spend all this time trying to work your way into someone’s heart then whether or not you have it and without a second thought you throw it all away. Regardless of how you both feel or willingness to do better or make improvements there’s only what one party wants. It’s the most one-sided, selfish B.S. I’ve ever heard of. And what’s the purpose? What are you ultimately hoping for? It’s like fasting with no goal [in sight]. If there’s no goal in sight what is it all for?”
And in trying to let her go I can’t deny my own nature and question things. My biggest question was “What the heck was that?! Especially when it came down to me e-mailing her ALL my feelings and trying to let her go BEFORE I even came out to Colorado.” She saw my e-mail and sent a text back, called me and e-mailed me. We hung out one day and then made out like crazy and the whole thing about her trying not to be in love with me anymore came BEFORE the make out session and me trying to give her space and go our separate ways.
Ultimately, my answer was this…Joy is crazy and doesn’t know wtf she’s talking about. She admitted that when it comes to us and our relationship she has NO idea and all rationale went out the window. That was even less helpful, especially considering we’re talking about someone that actually spends time around us when we’re together.
From that time on my emotions were in a tizzy (so to speak) and I couldn’t deal. I was feeling too many things and all that was pushed aside from the immense pain. I went swimming to get some sunlight and get my emotional level up as well as get a work out. The brain and body releases endorphins with the sunlight and when being active SO I went to do just that. Then I went to take a nap like a fussy baby.
Ryan and I went to the clubs and danced and acted a fool. Then when I came back home and tried to sleep I couldn’t. I couldn’t stop thinking about her and I went to sleep thinking “if I never woke up again…that would be ok”. I spent the next day clubbing working out and drinking. I had generally had a glass of rum here and there mixed with Dr. Pepper. When we went out I had several shots of whiskey, beers, rum, and a bag of flaming hot cheetos. I had one of the worst episodes of diarrhea ever. It couldn’t have been described as anything less than “the Hershey squirts” – until it was like tomato soup.
I used a public restroom. That’s how bad it was. Anyone that knows me knows I hate using 2 things to go to the restroom: 1) I hate using a port-a-potty. I won’t do it if it can be avoided. If I had a SERIOUS case of diarrhea and could NOT hold it. I’ll use one and hover the entire time. I don’t want to touch it or anything in there. I don’t even want to admit that I went. And 2) I hate using public restrooms. They’re gross, people don’t take care of things, they don’t clean up after themselves and sometimes there’s no doors on the stalls so everyone can see you and your business. That was the case in Denver.
Not a single door and people could see me in passing. There was some weirdo moaning and groaning in the bathroom. If he wasn’t struggling he was getting off. That’s all I know. That was sick.
With this whole episode with Lilian, turning my back has to have been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do or endure. It’s not like Anna or Angelique. This is completely different. There’s someone that actually cares for me so deeply that she still wants to be friends after or friends in general – unlike the two of them (who I still watch CNN and FoxNews to see if they’re the victims of a tragedy).
Standing beneath the weight of it all is just too much to think about and too hard to stop thinking about. I hated it. I still do. Then on the 18th I sent a mass message asking six people for prayer. I needed it in a desperate way. I asked Scotty, Josh, JD, Terrance, Amber, and John. Then, I couldn’t sit still.
I asked them to pray for me because I needed to feel God. I needed peace of mind, mercy and grace. I wanted to kill myself. I didn’t have the energy or the drive to even do it. I went out to swim and swam till I didn’t have the energy and just let myself sink and honestly wanted to stay down there until I would float back up lifelessly.
Another one for the books – I don’t have the guts or what have you to do it. Today is the 19th. I sent Lilian a series of messages that I couldn’t keep bottled in. “I’m sorry that I’m the walking epitome of Eeyore. My heart is still with you. I promise that I am trying. I really am. I’m not trying to make things worse [(or harder than they have to be)] or drag this out but I can’t deny its existence. Sorry for any trouble I may be causing.”
She said I wasn’t causing trouble but there are things that should have been said long ago. I know that but I’m a late bloomer & slightly retarded. I still have a lot to learn. I know that. I told her I was sorry for not being as open and expressive as I’d like to be. I’m still getting everything out even though she’s probably not interested in hearing what I have to say.
I honestly thought she didn’t want to know it but instead had me spill out even more. There was a time when we would kiss and what not and I had an empty moment. Thinking about love and whether or not I could be open with her about what I was feeling at that moment. Part of me felt like I shouldn’t kiss her while feeling like that but I liked being with her so much and spent so much time questioning my emotions that all feeling needed to be shut out.
My personality type is analytical to a point where it becomes obsessive. All emotion goes out the window and I try to break down emotion and the purpose and everything else under the sun. I still didn’t get all the questions I had answered and I’m still asking myself what the heck to do about it all.
Now I’m feeling the repercussions of not telling her all these things and shut out my feelings to sort myself out. She told me it would’ve been nice to hear “my heart is with you” instead of telling her that everything was empty at the moment that she asked me.
More than anything I’m trying not to be a bother or bottled up inside myself and I’m sorry for the times and in a deep regret for the moments in which I was. I think I may just be afraid to call it “love.” It’s better off to be completely open than even the least bit closed off in a relationship and expressive.
She loved me for a good 2 years and wasn’t even sure that I loved her back. I once told her I loved her that I just wasn’t in love. I’m not even sure if that’s true. She thought her love for me was completely unrequited. That wasn’t the case. If I could describe it, then it would be anything but unrequited love.
If anything I can’t believe that anyone could love me. If you know me and I’m expressive on a deep and personal level and you read my words in my journal they’d probably think I was so screwed up. I personally think I’m completely screwed up. And for someone out there to love me let alone actually be bothered with me is a foreign concept to me. Every time I make a new friend it makes me happy. It means there’s hope.
However, I can’t help going back to these thoughts. I have SO many faults and I can’t help wondering what if I’m just the flavor of the week? I don’t want to be something that’s just “in” right now. I want to be something that’s always in season. One of my biggest fears is that I’ll be something that she wants and then a year later she won’t be able to stand the sight of me.
And yet, being without her in any sense of the word makes waking up that much harder. What’s the next logical step upon actually admitting that this is love? What about when she can’t stand the sight of me? I’m a mess now. What would happen to me if we got married and she didn’t even want me around? I’m scared to open up that much. It’s terrifying. God, I’m so scared.
My personal belief, which corresponds with Biblical teachings is once you get married there’s no turning back. I don’t believe in divorce. God hates it and so do I. I hate broken marriages and I hate infidelity. I want to be head over heels in love and I don’t want to question anything in that realm anymore. She once told me she could see herself marrying someone like me/marrying me. I can’t help but wonder in return does she really think that she could put up with me and my crap forever?
I can’t even stand myself half the time and someone else is going to come into my life and tell me they want to be with me? That they want me, even in my broken condition? I can’t see someone doing it. Not to mention the fact that I’m so angry for any myriad of reasons and so opinionated and I talk too much when I actually decide that I want to talk. And when I don’t talk I’m stuck inside myself and completely closed off.
There are still so many things I don’t want exposed. I don’t like being open and exposed. It’s so naked feeling and so painful. Admitting all these things is bad enough but how do I act on them?
She wandered into my life, seemingly out of nowhere. She came in and unexpectedly changed things. She inspired me to live my life. She helped to give me the strength to get up and keep going. She gently told me when I was being retarded. Yeah, like I said a million times over I have empty moments. Completely apathetic. I’d be lying if I said otherwise. I’m emotional and temperamental. I can’t help that, but asking questions to the point where it’s no longer a feeling is what I do.
I feel like feelings sometimes cloud judgment, and, just like the devil, himself, take us a lot farther than we are willing to go. I want to do things right the first time. I want to do what’s right by my God, my wife, and my kids. I want her in every sense of the word. My sights aren’t set on anyone else but her and I want only her. I want her at my side.
I like a certain degree of uncertainty. Living life on the fly/by the seat of my pants is no way to live and planning everything doesn’t really work out either. I get sick and I ache without her. The first face I want to see when I wake up is hers.
A while back I was shopping in Wal-Mart (during the course of this vacation) and my genitals were hurting. I mean, it felt like someone was trying to keep a boxing rhythm with my beanbag and I got scared. It didn’t matter how I moved or whatever. Everything HURT! I called her about it. I was afraid I’d end up like Lance Armstrong and have testicular cancer (God forbid) and I wouldn’t be able to have kids. I don’t want to have to sit back and do the in-vitro fertilization/artificial insemination thing. I told her I wanted her to have my kids if I should find out anything were wrong.
She said the only way she’d have my kids is if I married her. I told her flat out that if that’s all it takes I’d marry her. I have no problem spending the rest of my life with her. I can dedicate my life to her as my wife and my life to the children that she would mother and that I would father. If that’s really all it takes I can do that without a second thought. I can be a husband and a daddy.
Then just today amongst all this spilling of emotion I told her that sick or not if we were married and had 1, 2, or even 13 kids I’d thank God for all of them. That would simply be that. When I think of her the way that I do, my heart swells unless I’m thinking of my life without her in it. I need her in my life.
God’s honest truth…even if I get on her nerves and make myself enemy #1 by telling her all of this. The worst of it is she was working out so I couldn’t tell her verbally the way that I wanted. I had to pass it along through text messages, each over 3 pages long. My phone wouldn’t let me send the messages because my inbox and outbox were so full and the messages were so long. I actually had to rewrite several of them and attempt to send and resend all of them until finally it wouldn’t allow me to do anything.
But I couldn’t help but tell her. I couldn’t question it or hold it in anymore. Correction, I can always question it but if honest is what she wants then honest she’ll get. Even if it’s after the fact and all that. I don’t expect her to feel anything. I don’t expect her to even so much as acknowledge that I said it.
I’ve never expected anything from her other than what we already expressed with one another. Nothing more than herself and what’s on her heart. I love everything about her. Dare I say that I love her?
We ended up talking things out and she cried. I don’t what that means. And as of this moment we aren’t together so she can’t hear or deal with it and doesn’t know how to respond but at least I got it out and it’s off my chest. In any case this is the e-mail that I ended up sending to her.
This is probably the last message you're going to receive from me for a while. I felt it best to get off my chest while I still have the nerve. I didn't have the courage to send a text message or call. Not like me, I know. Sorry for that but hopefully this will suffice. I suppose it wouldn't make any difference hearing it from my own mouth. You aren't the only one with strong feelings. You're more open to yours than I am. I don't know what love is. I really don't. It would probably be a little more helpful if I stopped telling myself that and be more receptive to the idea of it happening than questioning it and poking at it with a stick and peering at it underneath a microscope examining it. I can't exactly say that I understand this. I do to an extent, please believe that much. I just can't imagine needing to know who you are, what you want, and where you're going and what you're doing this late in the growing up and advancing into adulthood process. Most people don't shut out their loved ones, forsaking all others, simply to find the answers they're seeking. They continue on carrying those that would want to come with on their travels. Sharing the good and the bad, happy and sad moments in their lives.
To me that's what love is. You told me you loved me time and time again but you sought yourself the first time in getting involved with me, then sought yourself again in forcing yourself not to love me. This is what love is to you? Do you really believe that this is the path meant for you? Learning to grow and come of age means doing some of it alone. Not completely. I'm not going to hold back. I miss you and I care for you deeper than I even care for my own self in most areas of my life. Maybe I didn't show it enough. I'm still learning how in my own right so how can I talk? You need your space. I get it. But I figured I'd at least let you know what's been going on with me. Since you're not the only one that's been crying and suffering and hurting for days on end.
I hadn't left my bed or home in days. I can't really eat. I can't sleep. What's so different about it this time as opposed to all the other times. It's because you're always on my mind. I can't do anything without you being there in some part. A lot of what I was beginning to love and enjoy about life was because you were by my side. Do you know what it's like to not be able to breathe? Have you ever known the feeling of drowning? It's like that for me. It's like pure adrenaline and fear and regret and sadness and all these things at once and you're struggling and you can't breathe or see your way out of it. I can't sleep without dreaming about you. And being without you is like a fish out of water flopping around waiting to be able to breathe again.
You wanted in and I let you in but can't help the fact that I keep my guard up because of moments like these. This is why I'm so heavily guarded. I grew attached to you. And then this happens. I'm not going to say that this is love especially when I don't know what love is. You and I both know and believe that too many people in this world and in this life are too quick to call something love and fall back on that like an end all answer to solve and absolve everything. "Because I was in love I did..."
The only thing I know is there's all these strong feelings that I don't know what to do with. I just had to get this much out. That's all. Since you've needed your space and are currently forcing me out of your heart and life I had to at least release something.
See you on the other side.
Worst part of it is that I can’t eat and can’t sleep still. I actually ate half of what Ryan ate (in terms of proportion size) and I got sick eating it. I didn’t throw it up but I felt like it. I hope I make it through this ordeal. 
Current Mood: accomplishedaccomplished
Current Music: Staind, Breaking Benjamin, and Sevendust
26 July 2008 @ 01:43 pm

What in the heck could I have done so progressively wrong to make you look at me the way you do right now? Am I that awful of an individual? All I can say that I wanted was you, with me, at my side, most times. Then give me space then come back again to pick up where we left off. This doggone indecisiveness. This holding back and refraining from telling me things that are important to personal growth. I can't help but wonder to myself what is this?

Why would you hold off until it's absolutely too late? I can't f**king deal with this. I hate people so much right now it's unbearable. I battle against these sides all the d*mn time and I can't take it. Feelings/Apathy, Acting/Complacence, Peacemaker/Warmonger. And me...at the end of it all left to think everything is OK when it's not.

Part of me is so upset with you right now and so upset with myself. And right there when I normally would just say “to h*ll with this” I find myself not being able to let you go. It hurts much more than I ever would've wanted or expected. Part of me feels like a break is a good thing and another part feels like I never should have gotten mixed up with you in the first place.

Stupid humanity. It sucks that I'm thrown into the middle of this pathetic disgusting miserable mess. And I'm not allowed to quit it at my own discretion. I'm in a real state of disbelief. Part of me honestly wonders if all this mess is me. I know it's not but I can't help but wonder. I keep asking others different things about me that are unattractive, less amiable/desirable traits that I might encompass. I'm not getting answers. It's not until I point some things out for myself that anyone speaks up.

The reasoning as to why I don't think all of it's me is because for someone that's supposed to be able to talk to you about anything, for feelings that are supposed to be above average, and you can't tell me when I'm doing something wrong-I mean, seriously, end-all wrong is criminal. And what am I supposed to do with abstract criticisms? I can't fix a problem if I don't know what it is. All things can do is get progressively worse or remain at a negative constant.. Communication is f**king key.

Current Mood: distresseddistressed
Current Music: Across The Universe Sdtrk
21 July 2008 @ 05:08 am

My heart feels like it's breaking. I haven't felt this absolutely horrible in 2 years. I recognize it for what it is. It's day 4 of this and I hurt so bad I feel like I could die. And for as much as I say it and think it I'm wondering how we can be allowed to feel like this and that not come to fruition. It's like I could die and it wouldn't matter so much right now because at least the pain would be gone.

It's comparable to that of a burn and after the burn the nerves dull and you get that painful, cold, dull feeling. For me, it's not located on any of my appendages. It's in my chest, throat, and stomach. Every day I'm on edge. Every day I feel sick to throwing up. Every day I feel like crying. Every day I feel week and I keep wearing this mask and whenever people ask me if I'm alright I snap out of it, greet them with a smile and bright eyes and tell them I'm fine and that I'm just spacing out. Sure, that's not completely true but at least it's true in part. That's all I can really divulge.

As it stands I'm just praying and holding out hope for a new day, one that's not so full of hurt. Mostly, I'm trying to sort out in my head whether or not I can do the friends thing beyond the relationship. After everything we've been through together and whatnot I don't know if I can do it. I was talking to Ryan and he recommended that if we don't make it was just take some time away from one another and then eventually we can attempt to be friends but even then seeing her without me by her side, or with someone else at her side....it's safe to say I don't think I can deal with that. Worst part of it is that I promised we could still be friends regardless of what happens and that would make me a complete and utter liar.

It sucks though because all I can think about in the time I've been away from her is just spending time with her, holding her, hugging her, kissing her and this uncontrollable urge to break down. As ridiculous as it sounds that's what I'm most compelled to do. Sadly enough, the last few times we were together I ended up doing all of the above.

I miss her voice being one of the last things I hear before I go to sleep at night. Call it a comfort mechanism but I just love hearing her. I love her sleepy sound. I used to get annoyed when she fell asleep on the phone and now if she were to call me and fall asleep and I could just listen to her breathing I couldn't possibly imagine myself any more elated. All I want is to smell her breath. And all I have is this koala she got from the zoo for me that she sprayed down with some perfume that I bought her. D*mn I miss her so much.

One of my friends tried talking to me about what I feel like and I tried to explain it in the best terms I possibly could. Imagine yourself on your period at its absolute worst. Now imagine that feeling in your head, neck, throat, back, stomach, and chest. Your arms and knees feel weak. You're dizzy and confused. You just wanna throw up, cry and pass out. That's what it feels like. She replied "I thought only girls felt like that" Thing is guys feel like that too we just don't always express it or we don't even know where to begin to do such a thing.

Current Mood: morosemorose
Current Music: Live - Freaks
17 July 2008 @ 10:44 am
 This is my life it would seem. Things don't get too much more awful than this. So I'm adding it to the list of social deficiencies and unwanted issues that I'm already plagued with. Things with Lilian aren't doing too great right now. I'd say it began in December with a steady decline because she was already working way too much and we never saw one another. Then from that things got awkward from the seer pressure and stress of everything going on around us. Then we managed to patch things up but there was still tension from all the other crap we had going on. School ended. I graduated. My car is screwed up still and I have no job but at least I've sorta kinda got my health though right? So things had been relatively great/decent/good over the past while and then we got into an argument about something stupid and she mentions something to the effect that we're never going to be happy going on like this. I swear, I wish at the moment I never got involved with another girl. Check this out: life is pain right? So God put us on this earth to enjoy all that life has to offer but for the most part that's nothing good due to the fact that primarily life is pain. So with that being said there isn't a whole lot that you can get from this life other than pain. So with that hurt you get sad and pissed off or whatever and you want to give the f**k up but you can't. Why can't you quit? Cause God says if you quit then you're doomed to a life of even more pain and stress. So there's the possibility of something better but you have to survive this perpetual circle of pain and hurt and sadness first. This is so d**n stupid.
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
Current Music: Watching LisaNova videos...don't know why
I guess this couldn't even hope to sum things up but I've give it the ol' college try and hope that will suffice to appease my overall unhappiness and discomfort in my own skin.  At the start of the year I was once again reminded that two of my friends were dead.  I got to see some old friends and make new ones.  I hurt myself and screwed up in school.  I got better and worked hard at figuring out where I went wrong and spent my summer attempting to correct that. My final grades were straight Cs.  Yeah, it finally went through.

I turned in my tuition reimbursement forms and waited the remainder of the year and the whole month of January to finally receive my money from Federal Express.  Once I got it, I quit, so now I'm no longer employed.  I'm relatively stress free and yet all I can think about is finding odd jobs and permanent employment else where.  I have a laptop and oodles of movies.  I have more media than I know what to do with.  My current goal is to graduate college.  After that, get a better job.  I intend to work there and save money as long as possible and then leave to some other land to get my mind right because I need a serious change of scenery. 

I still hate everyone and nearly everything.  Most of my friends are still tremendous screw ups.  Jessica's on her second kid, Morgan finally managed to get married - but not before having a kid from another screw up, Amy's about to lose her virginity on a f**kin whim and dropped out of school and got fired from her job, Rachael got fired and dropped out of school, Joe bailed out on Christianity/Catholicism only to pick up on Islam, Kristen is pregnant and single, and countless other friends of mine have been doing absolutely nothing with themselves and whatever relationships they had have fallen apart.  When you really look at how things are right now I'd have to say I'm not doing that bad.

I still keep running into shady, good-for-nothing, lying, worthless people and getting hurt in the middle of it.  Whether it be at a job, or in some sort of relationship setting...this is all that I keep running into.  This and mercy.  At school, I was told just recently that I am still missing classes and so I'll have to return to get my art therapy concentration. As it stands, I'll graduate with an art history minor, a psychology minor and a BA in Graphic Design (3.77 in that area).  I was also told that if I came back I wouldn't have to worry about classes...just books. Thank God for His Goodness and Mercy.  I'm already about $32,000 in debt.  I don't need any more.  That's why I get to come back, virtually free of charge.

I'm sick of the hell I keep pushing through inbetween and just think...as long as I'm among the realm of the living this is only the tip of the iceberg.  I'm thinking about selling blood and plasma for money.  That's right.  Not donating, selling.  While I'm on the subject, since I'm not sure if I've mentioned it in a previous entry but my car is dead.  All that hard work for a car, rushing into a purchase, to get something with a leak in the radiator that was plugged with stop leak.  I found out about it too late and the radiator blew.  When that happened along with my medical injuries that cleaned me out.  I'm not working at The Roost anymore as well. F**k people. I hate them all. I can't wait till I die.

Life is sh*t.
Current Mood: crappycrappy
Current Music: DJ UNK - Walk It Out Remix
07 August 2007 @ 03:10 am

I figured I could take a moment out of my busy day and actually update this thing. My most recent events revolving around my personal life and issues therein are as follows.  School sucks. I don't care how good or awful of a semester I may be forced to endure/bear witness to, it sucks. I spent my entire Spring semester working my butt off and struggling in every class just to end up at a point of mediocrity.  I spent so much of my time worrying about what to do next and where to proceed that for a moment there I was absolutely stagnant. Unfortunately for me, it was at the tail end of the semester when I needed to be the most diligent.

I turned in my psychology final late, I showed up to two of my finals late, I didn't get to do one of my finals and there's probably more around that general realm but it all seems to escape me.  I don't know if it's something that I don't like thinking about as to why I could've forgotten ot if it ceases to have some sort of relevant importance to me. My theological bioethics professor died so I didn't get to turn in my final project because he was out of town when I was supposed to be doing my presentation and he just kind of sent out an e-mail with 2 questions that we were supposed to respond to and I did I get back my final grades...C, C, C, C, F. I saw that F and about peed myself. I spent my entire summer tracking him down for an explanation and reasoning behind why I would've failed his class. I was missing stuff...due to his father's death. I turned it in and he gave me a D for my final grade.

Needless to say that wasn't good enough, so I tracked him down again. Now I'm spending my summer working on a project that should've been done with two times over. My art history professor has apparently been fired. I don't exactly know the details behind it but I'm not going to complain )or look a gift horse in the mouth so to speak) because she was merciless and ridiculously difficult. She made a few students cry, some others quit, and it was just...not a good semester. As for the class in which I turned in my final late, I was stressed and overwhelmed and decided on my course of events that would be the last thing I would take care of. In the classes where I showed up late...I overslept. Nothing more to be said.

I injured myself at the tail end of the semester as well and spent the last few weeks hobbling and swinging around like a wounded bird or some other inflicted animal. In addition to all this I spent my entire summer up until 2 weeks ago (or thereabouts) in physical therapy. Unfortunately, due to this I've been placed on extended medical leave because my doctor went on vacation for a good month or so....so I couldn't get a note saying I'm released back to full duty. Of course, that means I'm not really getting paid. I'm sitting around doing nothing but indulging myself and writing all day as well as playing video games.

I've got to admit this is not exactly fun for me. To be more than a little honest it's actually pretty miserable. I just like being of some use. And if not of use then reminded that I am fully capable. When there is neither of these things, I tend to mope. I especially "enjoy" being busy (notice the quotation marks) because with enough energy output and no time to think and continuous movement I won't have time to stop and think. If I stop and think it's probably not going to be the most positive of outcomes. I don't even know where my mindstate will "rest".

So now I'm at the same job as my girlfriend. Hopefully that will pan out ok. Most importantly maybe I can work both jobs and go to school and actually have some money at the end of the coming months instead of spending all I have on stupid trinkets and (although important) sources of entertainment and shelling out all my hard earned money to bills - more than likely some greedy worthless conglomerate corporation that doesn't need my money nor do I need to give them my money but here we are back at the start so to speak realizing that some of these things are necessary evils (i.e. - cell phones,internet, etc.). The first day was busy and rough and I did a good job...apparently better than my predecessors. However, the second day wasn't as good and we were overstaffed meaning that everytime I wanted to do something there was nothing. Which means I was looking for work, so I wasn't busy, my mind was left to roam and the end result wasn't very good. I was tired...couldn't sleep, slept for a little over an hour and my emotional stability was lax. At the end of the day there was little to be said and even less to be done so I ended up going home after running some errands and then sleeping just to escape from myself.

As it stands everything is ok. Just ok. Not good not terrible but ok. I can already tell that I'm not going to be staying at either job for very long. I'm going to try looking for new sources of income on both ends. When I finally make my movement away from Federal Express and then this new employer. Generally, I'm hoping to find something in my field or possibly do something a little more independant but I'm not really finding anything either way. It's kind of disheartening. Really though, what can you do? I guess that's all there's left is the continuous seaching and holding on to hopes of something better and praying.

School is about to begin again and I have to go through some more crap before I'm out of the murky water. I'm still working on that essay and I'm going to attempt to turn in my tuition reimbursement forms after the grade change and we'll see how that pans out. Also, this is hopefully my last year at college. If not, then I'm screwed. I'm out of financial aid. How about that? I'm going to make another trip over to my school library and hopefully turn in all these form for all these different things I'm dealing with at once. No matter how much you state or even scream "ONE AT A TIME!" everything always manages to hit you at once.

But I digress...I'm still working on moving forward and getting through it all. With God's help hopefully I'll make it.

Also, speaking of what can be done with God's help all my friends are getting married to each other...or rather have gotten married to each other. I had SEVERAL weddings that I attended this summer and now I know even more happy couples. Hopefully they'll remain that way until the end of their days. Hope all is well with everyone else.

Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: Smashing Pumpkins EBE, BEB, D-Day Clock, Bleeding the Orchid
09 July 2007 @ 11:15 am
I guess some of the things that have been plaguing me as of late are this:
I'm 24 and I'm still living at home.
I'm still an undergrad by choice.
I have too many bills and not enough money.
I can't find another job, so I'm still stuck in the same hellhole after 4 years.
Most of my friends appear to be addicts of some kind, whether it's through drugs or promiscuity.
Most of them lack remorse and are crude.
And it's honestly painful to see.
I can't wait until I'm out of college and I pick up and move out of the country. I mean, separating myself from all this mess is going to be great. Peace of mind, self-sufficient, relying on knowledge, increasing my intelligence, strength, instinct and my God.

That's really all I need. Leading up to my birthday I spent days thinking, playing video games, watching movies, working, and talking to people. On my actual birthday I overslept, went to a party, hung out, ate more than what I do in a day, went home to my family and spent time with them, talked to my grandma, ate cake and ice cream, then went back to the party. I should've stayed at home. People were drinking way too much and passing out, people were also all over each other and it just turned into a lot of mess. I'm not spending a lot of time with certain folks anymore. All this time away really shows me that I need to just get out of this hillbilly state and move on to the next level of my life. I'm destined for more. It's time I face it.
Current Mood: annoyedannoyed
Current Music: Seal - Human Beings
04 June 2007 @ 06:12 am
As much as life takes its toll, it's twists and turns, soothing you and beating you some things just never change. For all the people that made some of the biggest differences in my life, they still remain the best part of my life when we all get together. The ones that fade off somewhere just because they have a significant other just need to be flogged. That's how I see it.

Two weeks ago Adam got married to Joanne, yesterday Matt married Rachel, before that Brian and April got married, before them Chris and Julie got married, and last year John and Melanie got married, and in the holiday season of 2005 Phil and Ruth got married. So many people I know got married and so many of them are my friends. It's really awkward. When we all started out, so many of us were friends. We were Da Guys. Then we realized how many of us were girls in the group so you had Da Girls too. Now nearly everyone's married. I'm not even getting the rest of the group in the mix.

I miss the way things were and I hate time for changing us all. I was talking to everyone at Matt's wedding and we're going to try to get something together for everyone like a big cookout or something. It would be good for the soul and the memories. I miss everyone. I grow to realize that more and more whenever we all do something as a group. Rachel and I were talking about how it used to be like 13 of the main core of all of us (though it felt like more - I'll take time out to count sometime) and now we all paired off and faded. I was like that's really messed up considering when we all went to a movie theater we took up a few rows like it was nothing. It's wack that we barely talk now.

Aside from looking at all the faces and the flood of memories the biggest and most pleasant surprise was Geraldine - Alberto's mom. It was good seeing her even though we didn't talk much. She was always "the adult" or "the parent". Gotta be good, gotta be nice, must not act a total food around this person. She was always nice and always social with us but we never knew what to say because of that fact. Since Alberto's death we've spoken very little. Even less than when he was alive. Before we were speaking because it was a kindness and respect thing. I mean, who just disrespects someone's mom? But when I saw her face I thought of my friend.

I miss him so much still. I had to stop myself from crying in front of her. I was tearing up in front of her and listening to her life, her plans for the future and how knowledgeable and wise she is. She's so interesting. She was a nurse, paramedic, and now she's going to school to be an art history major. Listening to her stories of education and struggling through some of the same classes I'm struggling through or have struggled through...I'm happy because she sounds so much like all of us.

Right now I'm doing what I've been craving. I'm connecting with new people and getting to know them a little better, but not just that, I'm getting to a deeper level of conversation, which I love. I've been thinking about school and my final grades. I've been thinking about God, love, life, marriage, children and what it is that I both love and am having issues with in each area.

I'm growing in understanding and knowledge and hopefully wisdom as well. I know I honestly have a long way to go as well but really I just want to know that everything is going to be ok and that my emotional and cognitive levels will carry me where I want to go in life. I'm not even exactly sure where that is. I just don't want to have a bland, mundane, and relatively meaningless existence. Everyone wants to be great but I honestly just need to know that I have a capability beyond that of the average human being to make an honest difference in myself and all those around me. I want to know and feel like I have this nearly visible connection with God and that I am sharing all of me (or most of what I am comfortable with) with the world. I want to pretend the world is a pool of wet cement and leave my imprint in it.

My state of being as of lately has been kind of erratic. I can't tell you the points I've reached over the course of the past week alone I can only really share where I'm at now. I'm doing just fine. I have stress. I worry. I'm angry. I love. I hate. I'm despondent. And I'm relaxing.

I'm spending a good portion of my time reconnecting with people that have graduated from Marian or from high school. There's too many of my relationships that have reached a point of coldness (for lack of a better term) that makes me feel uncomfortable. I like spending time and energy around people that honestly like to talk and think. I like spending time working on my body and mind and spirit. I like enriching my soul and hopefully igniting something in others as well. As per usual, I'm just dealing with all the past personal issues that plague me.

I'm still dealing with the fact that Anna and Angelique bailed out on me. I'm still pissed at the way things ended or how they ended things. I'm still pissed at how things have been since then. Blocking me from every aspect of their lives even though I'm not going to say or do anything. I just like to see that everything's still alright from time to time especially with all the accidents and murders going on as of late but now I don't care anymore. I hope they're happy. I also hope they get shot in the face. I'm not gonna lie to myself or to someone else about that fact either. F*** em both.

I'm still dealing with the fact that Alberto committed suicide. I'm still dealing with Drew's death. I'm still dealing with all that I've lost. I'm still forgetting what I've gained - mostly because in terms of people they have to show me that I've really gained something.

I'm still coming to terms with the fact that I have a gf now. I'm also freaked out by the 1 year mark but I'm not going to exclaim or anything. It's easy for me to make it to a year. It's everything after that's scary.

I still drink just not much. I go out like always but I don't do anything outrageously stupid. I still dance but mostly at home. I still sing and act ridiculous the degrees continue to vary. I'm still greatly full of anger, rage and a multitude of annoyances - who isn't? Some just more than others. Feeling what I feel doesn't make me a bad person. It's how I react when I feel this way that does and I almost never react because I realize the damage that causes. I always have which is why I'm such a homebody and whatnot. It keeps me out of trouble and ensures that I really think about everything.

School is still a pain in my butt. I'm seriously tempted to quit. I keep forcing myself to keep going. I have art history almost done. Graphic design is done, and I'm so close to being done with psychology. I wish I could immerse myself into it so that I could grasp it on a deeper level maybe then I wouldn't have to struggle through my classes so much. C, C, B, B, A, B, C and all that. Soon I'll be graduating with 2 degrees. Graphic Design and Art Therapy with minors in Art History and Psychology. Thanks for the support everyone. Suck my nuts everyone else.
Current Mood: pensivepensive
Current Music: Maroon 5 - Makes Me Wonder
15 April 2007 @ 11:16 pm

I'm not exactly sure what it is that I want to say here. I wish there were another venue/avenue for me to vent other than this. I wish I wasn't so completely miserable. I wish I wasn't able to see things so clearly, in part, because I can tell when people are fake and I'm just wasting my time. I'd really rather not waste my time. I'd rather find something to do to pass the time like read a good book, play video games, spend quality time with genuine people, kick back and relax, or kick back and relax/get hyped up listening to good music, watching anime, soaking up the intelligence genius and wisdom from another person that showers me with it by means of the media and the like. Doing things that are actually worthwhile to me as opposed to getting retarded phone calls, spending a lot of my time doing absolutely nothing, fighting over dumb things and all the rest of that. I just wish things appeared to be as worthwhile as the previously listed. It's just ridiculous. Sometimes I wish I didn't fear Hell so much just so I could lay down and die. Lord of the Rings really made it seem that much greater.

Pippin: I didn't think it would end this way.
Gandalf: End? No, the journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path... One that we all must take. The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass... And then you see it.
Pippin: What? Gandalf?... See what?
Gandalf: White shores... and beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise.
Pippin: [smiling] Well, that isn't so bad.
Gandalf: [softly] No... No it isn't.

Current Mood: discontentdiscontent
Current Music: Adema - Trust/CooRie - Anata To Iu Jikan