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21 January 2007 @ 06:58 pm
Just noticing some of my own flaws in some of my discussions and way of thought. I think that some of the ways that I tend to take thing tend to make others defensive and a multitude of other reactions. Not to say that my speech is offensive or anything of the sort it just tends to come out as "matter of fact" and that can be a little frustrating when you've put a lot of thought into what you have to say to me. And I know I do that a lot or can tend to do that so if you're a victim of my stupidity then please forgive me. I apologize.

I'm sorry for the pain that I've caused from everything I've said in my moments of anger. I'm sorry for my hatred for those that deserve it and those that don't. Sorry for not being as forgiving as I'd like to be. I'm sorry that it takes me so long. Needless to say, it's a process. That doesn't mean I'm going to Hell it just means that I tend to hold on longer than it's necessary and at times much more than I would like to. I'm over a lot of things and forgiven much more than I've "gotten over". I've let go to the point where I'm forgetting much of the things that have created me. Some things I can embrace in a positive manner though and yet a lot of things make me feel like Atlas, post-titanomachy.

Evanescence - Weight of the World would be appropriate for this particular post. It made me stop because I'm currently listening to a playlist of everything I have and I'm clicking on random things. This particular verse is about me letting go in a lot of different ways. Thank you all for your help, the wisdom that comes from God and those that haven given me strength without me knowing and those that have given me strength with me knowing it.

Thank you God for my many gifts and please Lord help me through my upcoming trials. I need you now especially after what's been going for the past few months and in the last year. Thank God for me. I mean, I know it's not right the things I say, the things I think, as well as the things I do, watch, and listen to. But I was made me for a reason. I like what I like for a multitude of reasons and maybe someday I'll reach a point where I feel like I don't want to have any part in a lot of things anymore. But I'm not going to be stuck up and act as if though I'm too good to watch or listen to something. If someone feels as if though I might enjoy something I'm not gonna have my head up my butt about it. I'll be objective and take all things into account and try to enjoy it asthetically...unless it's gay like Brokeback Mountain. I don't give a crap how "good" it is. I'm not watching that.

End.

W00t!

P.S. - while I'm thinking about it, I really need to get hooked up with some freelance projects. It'd be nice.
 
 
Current Mood: contentcontent
Current Music: Cowboy Bebop - Adieu (long version)/Evanescence
 
 
19 January 2007 @ 11:32 pm
I've been watching a lot of movies and anime. Nothing too new. I mean, it is the same old boring me afterall. I'm interested in a strange series by the name of Noein - you might find it spelled No  e  in. It's at a part now where two really good friends get into a fight and one is sitting in her room feeling angry, hurt, hateful and sad. And the other is in her bathroom, bathing and thinking about the last time those two fought and how very long ago it was not to mention how hurtful it is. Her mother comes by and leaves a change of clothes outside of the door and tells her if she's gotten into a fight to apologize. The girl, wonders how her mother knew and her mother replied that it was all over her face. If you had seen the previous scene it would be difficult to know if she were referring to the red marks from the slap fight or the sadness all over her face. Her mother told her that even if she wasn't in the wrong to apologize. It's the fastest way to get over something and how awful it would be to lose a good friend over something stupid. In the next scene you see the girl sitting back in her room talking to her dog wondering what she's supposed to do.

Just a random series of thoughts spawned from this. I just figured I'd share because I wonder sometimes if it's really necessary? I wonder how many people have done this? I wonder how many people see this as a strength and maturity thing and I also wonder how many see it as weakness? I wonder how many people stepped on others that have done this and how many have been stepped on?
 
 
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Adema - Freaking Out (Chris Vrenna Remix)
 
 
19 January 2007 @ 02:34 pm
I guess the best place for me to begin this would be from the heart. I miss her. I miss her more than words can express. It'll be a year soon since we cut off all communication and I still miss her. It's been hard but I'm still in the process of getting rid of a LOT of the things that remind me of her. Old e-mails, letters to her, typed and written, gifts for her, and lot of other things but I still can't seem to shake it. I still can't get rid of all the things that she's given me.

I guess I'm getting to a point inside where I'm finally mentally as well as physically coming to terms with it all. I still hurt. I still feel bad. I still want to cry. I still get upset. I still feel like emotions are all in a jumble and part of me wonders what would've happened if we'd actually had made it as far as I would've liked. All hopes and dreams up to that point have been shattered. A little piece of me is still trying to figure out where to go from there emotionally.

It still feels like no one connected like her despite where I am currently. God, it hurts. Part of me is mad at myself, part of me is mad at her, part of me is mad at him and part of me is upset with God. But this world is comprised of freedom, will, grace, love, mercy, and many other attributes that I can only hope to understand someday. I've had my experiences. I'm thankful for them, grateful and still part of my soul clings to what is gone. It's in my nature I suppose. I'm still learning how to "let go and let God."

She always said that. I try to smile still when I think of her like I used to because even that much tended to get me through the harder times but I just get this lump in my throat that tends to obstruct thought, feelings and occasionally breathing...other than a deep sorrow. There's just so many things left unsaid and incomplete. I can't help but be upset at te design and concept behind our existence simply because things aren't working out in my favor. That's to be expected though. I'm human - a simple, selfish human being.

I'm still trying to get to a point where I'm not completely sorrowful and miserable because of my memories of the past, dreams of the future, and knowledge of what is. Wow, life is harsh. I wonder if I'm really getting to a point where I'm starting my life by moving and trying to go to Japan by traveling, teaching English, seeing the world and all these other things or is it a sense of avoidance. Am I simply running or fulfilling a dream? We'll see. My current graduation date is May 2008.

I'm 23. I'm still in college. I'm pretty much an all around art major. I'm a graphic design major, art therapy major, psychology minor, and art history minor.  Am I overdoing it or truly securing my future? I guess we'll see.
 
 
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Teriyaki Boyz Tokyo Drift (Fast and Furious)
 
 
01 January 2007 @ 02:55 pm

What can I really say about this year? This entire year has sucked balls. I hated every day that passed and every moment I’ve been alive this year. Even in somewhat peaceable moments I find it hard to figure out the reason(s) as to why I’m still alive.

I’ve needed some peace of mind for so long and am really still yet to receive it but ask anyone else and the answers are all around me. Right. Nothing in life is ever that magnificently simplistic. I freaking swear.

The beginning of the year I had the unfortunate experience of a large chick – someone much larger than myself throwing her drunken, rhythm and equilibrium lacking form against me unyieldingly until I nearly lost the ability to function in my nether regions. On top of that I had little to no fun. Then, my friend Alberto committed suicide. Another friend bailed out on me, then another person. So I lost 3 loves this year.

God, I would almost stake my existence on it that You don’t like me very much, let alone love me. I survived by determination and hate even if it was aimlessly wandering I made it. Not to mention all the crap from work and not including all the crap at school then there’s home and anything/everything else along the way.

From wanting more and more to caring less and less, it wasn’t until I made up my own reason for living that I somewhat redefined my own purpose. Then I got into another car accident and I should’ve died but I didn’t. I still wish I did. Whatever. What’s done is done.

Then there’s everything else under the sun with school struggling all summer then fall nearly committing suicide myself on top of nearly having a nervous breakdown all the injuries and all the crap I’ve been going through. All the moral conundrums and all the questions without answers. All the tears and hurting and everything else…I’ve definitely seen into Abaddon’s mouth and seen desolation and despair this year and I’ve nothing to show for it aside from good to decent grades, disappointment, perseverance and my own survival. Speaking of which, my grade in the summer for Spanish was a B+ and this fall was B+, B, B, B, C, D.

I’d say thank you but really I still just want my original wish – the same one since I was seven. Either my own death or to cease to exist. Forget all the good. Forget all the bad. Just let everything let me be or not to be.

Now I’m several friends less, more self-goal oriented, and irritable as all get out. Hopefully this “new” year will be better. I’ve got many resolutions to see to the end. Something positive has got to come to fruition.

 
 
Current Mood: draineddrained
Current Music: Queen - Play The Game
 
 
22 August 2006 @ 11:03 pm
I don't really have the time to be writing this but I figured I'd give it a shot. I meant to do it earlier but pelase realize that my computer was giving me crap. As of lately I've been switched around on medication, spent time in and out of school over the summer, spending time with friends trying to get some hang out time in, talking on the phone, spending time with Lily (my girlfriend), working my butt off and spending time in the hospital.

Why the hospital? That has to do with the kind of work that I do and the vast amounts that I do as well. Yes, I know I need a new job but in due time I will have that. I have to have the time and energy and desire that purges me of my lethargy and/or exhaustion that would allow this. For the time being I ahve what I ahve and it pays so whatever. I was pushing topside on the aircraft for CLEvland and I was pushing an AMJ container, instead of being able to continue it stopped and it got stuck on one of the rolling pads and I hurt my shoulder trying to get it to move into place. The thing is about that day wasn't so much getting it in place as it was getting it wedged, then unwedged then starting at the front of the plane and running with thousands of pounds and getting it into place. We still had a few more problems but I'm over it.
 
 
Current Mood: chipperchipper
Current Music: Distrubed - Land of Confusion
 
 
 
28 July 2006 @ 08:56 am
Work over the course of the past...3 weeks has just been insane. I wish I could find a word that truly embodied the magnetude of everything that I've been doing while running myself ragged. The stress, sickness, amount of freight, the school work, the lack of time, the issues and more issues. I'm just glad I made it.

Speaking of making it, unfortunately, I didn't make it to John and Melanie's wedding. I spent my whole day sick and sleeping. I woke up to go, apologize for not making it, drop off a gift and went back to bed. How jacked up is that?

*sighs* C'est la vie.
 
 
Current Mood: blahblah
Current Music: Ikimono Gakari - Hanabi
 
 
12 July 2006 @ 10:38 pm
One good and random memory that is. No, I don't actually believe that. Honestly, I have many good and random memories. They keep me from flipping on out a regular basis. God, I'm still full from the Rally's I ate at like...4pm. It's 11 something now and I'm so full I can't stand myself. I ate like half a large order of fries, 2 cheese double cheeseburgers, an apple pie, and a smothered triple cheeseburger. And I had a large Sprite for a drink. Yeah I know it's a lot but today was 69 cent cheeseburger day and I saw a lot of things on the menu that I haven't eaten before. I wanted to try something new since I'm generally a routine type of person. That's not even listing off everything I ordered. I actually ordered more than what I typed I just ended up giving it away because mom and Bre wanted something. I don't know if any of you like Rally's but they have some of the best fries I have ever eaten in my life. Absolutely delicious. Anyway, as per usual, I've been seeing lots of movies out the wazoo, shopping like I have to tomorrow, spending time with friends and my girlfriend and just trying to keep things straight within my own mind.

Some things have happened as of lately that I regretably haven't mentioned. Earlier this year I spent a week with my buddy Ryan out in Colorado....Denver to be more specific. Due to the things that have happened as of lately that have kept me in nearly a constant state of depression I haven't posted this.

I spent forever and a day just dealing with crap trying to get my ticket and taking off for vacation. After working arduously to get hold of a plane ticket my goal was finally achieved and I was well on my way to begin the longest journey of my life thus far with no family to rely upon so to speak. I was going on 3 different planes to reach my final destination completely alone (in body but not in spirit) in Denver Colorado. Friday, I spent the day sleeping which I had so desperately needed, when I awoke I began washing clothes and sorting items and packing my things (but not before watching The Notebook – doggone movie). After I'd finished my shower, I printed off all my information and bolted out the door to make my way to the airport. Unfortunately, I forgot my medication so I just went without it so now I have to work extra hard to pick up the slack that I brought upon myself. I'm on a mission to completely change my physical form after all. I was at the airport completely ignorant of the newly created functions as of September of 2001. I skimmed over them and hoped that would be enough. Thankfully, they were. I had my tickets to my several different destinations, I dropped off my bag (which I wasn't expecting and had faith that it would end up where it was supposed to) and made my way to the security station. I readied myself for the adventure I was to embark and embraced my mother and sister for what I thought would be the last time for a week. They got overly emotional (cried like some punks) and began hugging and kissing me as if it were the last time they'd see me again. My typical response? “Stop crying! Geez, it's only a week. Cut that crap out I'll be alright, man, dang!”

After said our goodbyes I put the remainder of my belongings in a tray and passed through a machine that blew air on me and x-rayed my things and possibly myself as well and made my way to my gate. I came to find that there was no line and they weren't even boarding so I had something along the lines of an hour or hour and a half to spend by myself. I was like screw that and went back through the security station and spent time with the family. I waited until nearly the last possible moment to board but not before stopping off in the gift shop and buying Memoirs of a Geisha (which means “artist” - and all this time I thought it meant "high class prostitute” which apparently isn't uncommon as they appear to be distant cousins of sort. Both female “entertainers” but the prostitutes dress up as geisha whereas the geisha sell their talents not their bodies...or at least that's supposed to be the case). I needed something to read on the plane and this looked entertaining enough so I bought it. I hopped on the plane and flew while talking to someone who was apparently newly married and just given birth to a bouncing, adorable, sweet baby boy. Cooing and laughing and smiling and trying to hold my hand or some article of clothing. It made me want to start working on a family of my own but then I snapped back to reality, punched myself in the face for even letting that cross my mind (psh, progeny. Gimmie a break), and enjoyed my trip until I lost consciousness. It would seem that flight pressure within the atmosphere as well as the aircraft will sedate me like shooting an elephant with a freaking army of blow darts. One minute I'm awake talking to the mother of this child and playing with the child and reading my book the next I'm dizzy, quickly developing a headache, and I'm blinking and then I'm awake again. I have no idea what happened, how that happened, or why..but I woke up. Started talking and playing and reading again and readied myself for the landing shortly thereafter.

As soon as the planes wheels touched the runway I was turning my cellphone back on and calling family. Grandma first, since she freaks out like none other. Seriously, probably the biggest worrywart in my entire family on both sides and it's not like she's the only one that's worried after talking with her she'll make you worried which is ridiculous in and of itself and will continue to talk until your phone dies or you fall asleep and it's difficult to get a word in edgewise but I digress...then I called my mom and sister. They were overjoyed (I guess) and I gave them a few details and made my way off the plane in one of my destinations – Charlotte, North Carolina. I felt somewhat at ease there for the little bit of time that I was there. Everyone seemed friendly and whatnot even though I was talking to my family while moving through that beast of an airport. Literally, from one end to the other, I was a man on a mission but people still smiled at me in passing. I don't know if any of you that read this thing have seen me when I look serious or what have you but apparently I don't look friendly. It's not something that I really wish to change but that's another story for another time.

I found my gate for the next destination and I was on my way. Next stop Phoenix, Arizona. When I was on the plane I had thought a certain few people would've known I would be in the area for a few hours so I was hoping that I could meet up with some people but I should have known better. It's just as well its not like we would've been able to do much anyway for fear that I would miss the next flight. I sent out some text messages to everyone and made calls letting them know where I was with each stop and where I was heading and so on. So I just talked to Ryan, Celeste, my grandma, and my mother and let them know I was in Phoenix. While I was there I bought a philly cheesesteak sandwich and just sat there waiting for my flight for like 2 hours. I hopped on my plane and I was seated in the very back of the plane which was both uncomfortable and yet much needed. After fading in and out of involuntary sleep I finally arrived in Denver Colorado. I hopped off the plane and called home and my grandma then I called Ryan and let him know I was there.

From there I walked around trying to find my way through that massive airport. When I went through the halls and the shuttle train I went up the escalator where I finally found Ryan at the top. From there we were on a hunt for my things. We walked from station to station and baggage claim to baggage claim until finally I found the right place we were supposed to be at and my things were inside the office. After getting my things we stopped at a Burger King and went outside and hopped on the bus.

----more when I return from work. Don't have time to post this, don't have time to watch my anime...look for the edit----

Ok to continue where I left off, after we hopped on the bus I looked at the city as we drove through the downtown area. Looking around at it all I noticed things looked a lot like Indianapolis with the exception of things looking a lot more population friendly and cleaner. There were street performers all over the place, music and lights, the people were friendly, and things were really nice looking...definitely well designed. From there I hung out with Ryan and Celeste a bit and went to sleep.

When I awoke in the morning, I smiled. Everything was nice. Waking up felt good, being with Ryan and Celeste felt good, looking out my window seeing the beautiful city and the mountains felt good. Everything was great. Every morning waking up felt good. Ryan left early in the morning to go to work and we walked with him.  Once we went out to breakfast, toured the city, took in the atmosphere, and took some pictures. From there throughout the rest of the trip it was all sight-seeing, long walks, talking, bar hopping, movie watching, wrestling around, more crazy pictures, interesting experiences, and just all of the above peace and happiness. And yet, while I was out I couldn't help but miss what was awaiting me back home and at the same time I dreaded it. I missed certain people that are no longer with me and and everything felt lost for a moment but all was still peachy somehow.

These past few weeks have been extremely peaceful and happy as I've spent some much needed time with a dear friend of mine - John. Since he moved to Alaska to be with Nikki I haven't spoken to him as much, definitely haven't seen him as much or gotten to opportunity to hang like we used to. It just felt good being around him again and knowing that he was alright. I'm glad I got to put some things together for him. I'm glad we got to play games and talk and just chill like we used to. That was nice.

I guess this is as good as this entry is going to get. I'm just glad I got it out there.

 
 
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Yoko Kanno & Emily Curtis - What's It For?
 
 
07 July 2006 @ 11:59 pm
Wow, imagine my surprise that I've made it this far. If you had asked me 15 years ago where I expected to be and where my plans were for my life I would've had it all mapped out. I'm still nowhere close to where I expected me to be. I'm not what and who I wanted for myself. The only reasoning behind me mentioning that is because of the deep conversation that I had with Lily that apparently had her in tears. I don't know why she was crying. Apparently, because she cares so much for me but I dunno about all that. I don't doubt her feelings for me but it just doesn't seem to effect me in the same fashion. I've heard it all from so many other people before. It's all been done. I'm just not moved. Most of it's been heard and I'm sure the path has already been decided by you or God or both you just need it to be made apparent. I've heard it, seen it, dealt with it. Now the point to this post which is my birthday.

I went to work. I can't believe it but I actually opted to work. Lord have mercy. I can't believe it. I had requested off, got it off, but chose to work for the other people I work with considering that we were going to be short-handed. Not to mention that I figured that I would get more hours working instead of not working....and I did but it was insane. I got close to making the scan count goal again. I'm afraid to say things are looking better. At least in one area of my life I'm not suffering through absolute Hell. I had a scan rate check again and I got satisfactory and everything was on point with my stacking and all the rest of that stuff involving my job as well. Maybe if I can keep up the good work in work as well as school time will pass fast enough for me to see that maybe I don't really need to worry about how I'm going to make it.

I was doing like 2 people's jobs or more, working my butt off. I messed up one of my boots but  other than being dog tired everything else was cool. I could've died or been seriously injured several times at work especially as of lately but it would seem that it's not my time. Also, I'm not forgetting the other aspects of my life but yeah...I'm cutting it close regularly. After work, I went out to breakfast at Steak n Shake with my work buddies and Scotty and ate 40 hot peppers and drank half a bottle of tobasco sauce for $30. I got diarrhea, looked at new cars, slept most of the rest of the day, woke up - still had diarrhea, talked to people like mad on the phone, checked all these e-mails, hung out with some friends, looked at all the internet messages and posts and things for my bday.

I never would've expected all that. I got recognition, which is incredibly surprising but whatever. I'm not tripping off of that at all. I'm Not expecting or hoping for people to remember. But I guess it's easier when you've got facebook, myspace and who knows what else to remind you because I'm not going to tell you for the most part. I don't really care about my birthday but mom got me some new shoes. Lily baked me a cake and made chocolate covered strawberries, Joy got me some gag gifts, uncle Freeman and aunt Cheri sent me a card, I talked to my mom and dad and grandma. It was a random day and generally alright with the exception of my morning and repercussions involving mt digestive system and near death experiences. Who could ask for anything more.
 
 
Current Mood: gratefulgrateful
Current Music: Playlist I made of anime soundtracks
 
 
04 July 2006 @ 11:00 pm
I'm going to leave out some details but lately things aren't going exactly as I would've liked. That being said I'm still reasonably on the good side of things. I've had a lot of ok/decent days and some really good days and some days I'm still wishing and praying for death. I'm actually not ashamed to admit it anymore. It's not something I like to talk about in a public forum however due to the looks given by those that evesdrop and overhear. In other news I wrecked my mother's car for the second time. I'll leave out the details of that incident as well but it ends in a 5 car pile up. I survived, two of the cars didn't and the other 3 were only scratched. My hands were burned and bleeding from the airbags but that's all done with now. The skin has grown back, there's only a scar from the cut and my strength is at 98% to 99% in my hands. The swelling is mostly gone and I'm pretty much ok in body. Other areas of my body are falling apart however and my mind isn't exactly in the best condition. We're in the process of looking for a new car for everyone. One for mom and one for me. The insurance will be hell. I have a court date scheduled for my traffic ticket. I don't know how I'm going to handle it. I don't know how to handle my accident. I don't know how to handle my life. However, school seems to be going well. I'm in need of a new job. I haven't been fired..yet...however, I wouldn't exactly rule it out. Speaking of work, I need to complete this form for Memphis and complete my tuition reimbursement.

In other news, I'm seeing someone. I'm dating Lilian. Despite my life being Hell. Despite wanting to die. Despite feelings of complete and absolute destitution and feeling hollow...I suppose it's in the interests of myself as well as her to at least try.

We have decent conversation. We're both random as anything. We never fight and anything as well as everything is up for discussion. Whenever one of us says no the other one will stop - whatever that should happen to include. We trust one another. We're appreciative of one another as well and we're very much on the same wavelength. We're comfortable with one another in the sense that we can say and/or do pretty much anything to or around one another without feeling too awkward about it. It's like a best friend with additional benefits like kissing and cuddling. It's not so bad. I just hate involving her in my screwed up life...but she hates involving me in her screwed up life as well. Funny how life works out. Just when you're hell bent on saying f*** it in regards to everything in relation to relationships and in some cases friendships and in other cases much to do with life itself...something pulls you back and makes you reconsider and think otherwise. I'm not entirely satisfied with my choice to begin a relationship. Nor am I happy with my existance but I figure it's worth one more shot. If things don't work out I am really not trying anymore. Screw the fact that I wasn't sure when I said it before. Screw any forethought or afterthoughts. I'm done if things don't work out this time. I didn't take those 3 year breaks for nothing. I'm really going to say screw it all. I'm sick of it all.

My birthday is in 3 days...I wonder how many people will remember. And for those that rememeber I can't help but wonder how many will even care.
 
 
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Duran Duran - Come Undone
 
 
I met with my friend yesterday for lunch/dinner. His words word deeply thought provoking and encouraging, enough so that I've temporarily decided against killing myself. It made me realize that I've got a lot of thinking and focusing to do. I mean, not so much dwelling as it is me getting my head straight enough to hope to express my hatred for everyone and everything.

I wish I could tell you all how much of a disappointment that you've been as much as you've been a strength and focus and inspiration you've been a disappointment. I wish I could tell you just how badly you helped to chip away at my already apparently shattered psyche. It's absurd that I should even make the attempt to pray for these people that left me in the dark. It's hard not to be angry. It's hard not to be hurt. It's hard not to be spiteful and have a sense of hate or lack of feeling toward those that you felt so passionately for and all of a sudden on more than one account you're left with nothing.

It's hard to believe your brother or sister will always be there for you no matter what but it's even harder when they prove that the only beings you can hope to lean on are yourself and God. It's hard to continue writing when I don't want to do it anymore but supposedly this is a step by step process so I'm trying not to fall off...like my "friends". I'll pray for you...because I'm trying to think of myself as a butterfly, in the sense that the only reason why I'm enduring so much is so that I can grow that much stronger from it and soar/float above it all. Hopefully, I won't be viewed as an insect in the sense that I am to be prey for the larger beings and crushed as if though I'm completely unseen.

It's bad enough to be a moth - floating blindly in the darkness constantly searching for light, and once that light is found, chasing it until my very destruction. But to be crushed under the weight or devoured is just as bad if not worse.

I hope that my friend understands just a little better as to why I feel the way that I feel. From birth into this hell, to enduring this hell, to another level of hell, then another. From those levels to learning how to crawl even when you're bruised and broken. How do you take steps when you're left with nothing to stand on? How do you walk with broken legs and shattered feet?

I guess the best answer is to keep moving in faith in hopes that there's something better beyond it all. Trying to improve despite being covered in the blood of Christ because that's all we have. We have our souls and our faith - beyond that everything impressed upon us in one form or another. That's all that's left.

I don't even know how to put the rest of this into words.

I'll try more later on.
-----------------
I never would've expected to be avoided and abandoned the way you guys did to me. Never in a million years. Whether through love, friendship or simple complacency...I never would've expected that from you. None of you. One thinks she needs to fix me but since she can't she just leaves. The other thinks...I'm not even sure what she thinks. The whole thing just left me angry, confused, and absolutely lost and despondent. It's ridiculous that we allow other human beings to hold such a place deep within our hearts that no one other than God should be. I'll never ever do that again. I'll warm up. I'm be friends. I may even go farther - as I now have a girlfriend. But I will never let someone in that deeply ever again.

There's no such thing as honesty and straight-forwardness. There's no leaning on others. There's no letting others in to "love you" because when you do that you end up completely naked...exposed to the world and I just don't have it in me to do that again. I just don't. I would love to say "I give my heart away to you in the faith, hope, and trust that you won't break it. Sure, you'll make me sad. We may even be upset with one another in one form or another at times but we'll never leave one another's side. We won't break each other's hearts." Maybe that's ultimately what other people just want: to see one another hurting, broken and bleeding - no better than that of the devil himself.

I can't and I won't leave myself in a position like that ever again. I'm not sure I can survive the next encounter. Each experience with that kind of pain is world changing and extremely shaky in everything that binds me together and I can't feel like that again or the next time I don't think I can get up from it. Maybe I could...but I don't see myself doing that again - getting up that is.

There's certain sense of disdain that ends up held deep within me for those that sort of just leave me behind because in the same sense of that of a dedicated pet I eagerly await the next time I'll get to see, smell, and simply spend time with that person until the end of our days. Maybe it would've been better had it been a gradual thing rather than so outspoken and sudden. Maybe rather than simply avoiding the issue until it became a crushing blow wasn't the answer. And dragging others down into it with you sure as h*ll wasn't a door worth passing through.

Maybe people change. Maybe even though we talk of sweet simplicity and carefree life that isn't what we really want. That isn't what we're looking for. We're not looking for the ones that want the simple things like a phone call, text message, e-mail, instant message, or drop by to say hi for 5 minutes or even less than that. We're just looking for something to justify everything we lack especially in concern to the human heart. The human condition...heartlessness.

As much as we hope others understand the fact is no one does...not unless you've been there and even then it's different for everyone. It's ridiculous for me to assume otherwise. So closely connected and yet so distant and we continue on every-effin-day as if we did nothing wrong. As if something should've been said when it shouldn't and vise versa.

I would really like to believe that every entity in this realm isn't out to screw me over but just when you think it's safe to believe otherwise....

I'd like to say that I knew all of you. I really would but I just don't know anything. The more that you think you know the more you find out that you don't know a d*mn thing. You just know you hurt and that is completely unacceptable. Whether you're hurting alone or with someone you hurt, when you wake up to when you fall asleep and even while you're asleep you hurt.

And as hard as you may fight for happiness and joy and the small things in life that make it seem worth living, fighting, and dying for....you know, in the furthest corridors of your heart and mind you're chasing fireflies in the wind. You don't know if they're floating too high or too fast or maybe the light has been lost so you're left wandering aimlessly but the facts still remain that you can't catch them and you more than likely ever will...and just when you actually do they die or disappear.

It's nice to know that your hard work and care goes uncared for and continues on the way everything else has: a means to your own end.
 
 
Current Mood: irritatedirritated
Current Music: theSTART - Shakedown! (the album)