Log in

01 December 2009 @ 07:55 pm
Life Is So Painful And Weird (Y.I.R.- Year In Review 2008)  

Lilian and I talked to basically let each other know that we need to talk. After all this ...2 and ¼ of a year of being together she breaks up with me. Then after the break up we're still together and all over each other like we're still dating. I'm scared and nervous and worried and freaking out and I feel so painfully effeminate. I'm dealing with all these emotions that I don't normally deal with on a regular basis and it's killing me. Normally my emotions flip like a switch and I don't know what I'm feeling from one minute to the next. Now there's pain or nothing. I'm not sure if nothing is what I want. I'd rather feel warmth. Love.

A lot of people sympathize because they've been there. A lot of people are dishing out advice and I'm not sure where it's taking me. Lately things have been like this for quite sometime. My cousin's been texting and calling me out the wazoo to do work for him and I've been working for him since February. I'm still yet to see a paycheck. Like a real one. I've gotten a little cash here and there but when I say little I really mean little. It's almost Thanksgiving now and I'm still yet to hit $100.

As far as I'm concerned I'm going to figure out what I'm doing for the remainder of the month and then I'm more than likely going to have to tell him I cannot do this anymore. It doesn't make any sense to do all this work for someone for about 11 months and not really get paid for it. The economy sucks, bills are sky high, gas is high, groceries are high, I still owe my college money, Sallie May is in my face, and I need a job.

I was sick recently, like bedridden, and the only way I was getting better was antibiotics. When I found out I needed them I nearly cried b/c I didn't have that kind of money to even pay for them. Then when the nurse told me I could pick them up at Meijer's for free (I sound like a walking advertisement) I about lost it. I was so happy. Thank God it only lasted a week after that.

Well I'm doing my best to recall the past few events as they've been recorded through text messages and through my own memories. I'm trying my best not to recast the events but record them as I've seen them and experienced them. As far as I can remember everyone's been asking me for artistic favors and during that whole episode it seemed all they cared about was what they needed. Checking up on me just so I can do more crap for them.

One specific example was when I was working on my cousin's stupid magazine he kept hounding me knowing I was basically hanging on for dear life to this miserable existence. That was September 23rd. I know you're sick but could you...., and how are you feeling today? I'll keep checking on you. Yeah, not because you care but because you want something from me.

So, Lilian and I broke up. During the summer. It wasn't one of those things that you hear about on TV or in movies where a person will go off somewhere and break up with their significant other over this long period b/c neither of them wants to be tied down. Something happened and went very wrong and she thought that we wanted different things and the relationship was never going to progress so she broke up with me.

During this period of time she was miserable and I was miserable and we realized that we couldn't be without the other one so we got back together. I know that sounds silly but we talked a lot and thought things over first. We actively made a listing of things that we needed to work on to make things better between us and progress things.

I was still making it a point to work on some things for Mike, Martine's husband, and my cousin's business. I've made logos for both of them, business cards for my cousin, flyers, letterhead, a media kit, multiple magazine mocks and covers.

We still talked and sorted things through on a regular basis. Supposedly women are talkers and communicators and all this other crap and that doesn't really work when the other person doesn't let you know what's going on inside their mind...leaving you to think that everything is OK and they're not really willing to work on the things that are truly wrong. There's no future in something that the other person doesn't want to work on. There's only pain, distress, and unhappiness but it's not like this life isn't full of these things anyway. Pain and suffering are like breathing. You f***ing deal with it, function with it, and move on.

With all this being said we continued on as we were. I was broke as a freaking joke since leaving FedEx back in late January/early February and feeling completely lost. I had basically reached a point in which my teachers gathered up and talked to me about the current direction of my life and whether or not I really wanted to graduate. I was like yeah I mean it's not like I have an endless amount of chances within this institution. I really need to get this completed. And they pretty much let me know the current path I was on wasn't going to allow that. Being awake all hours of the morning and getting in little naps when my body felt it necessary was ludicrous and I can't excel like this. I can barely function.

So I quit my job of 4.5 years and continued on with my education. Upon graduating I was quickly reminded I still had to do my senior show. So I gathered up all this stuff and put together a show that not many people really cared about. I took lots of pics and put them up online on Facebook.

Went a good 8 months without a job and at the recommendation of Lily, Jayme, and Joe I put in an application at McAlister's Deli. I got tons of hours at first. About a month there and it seemed like I was rolling in dough. Then I went from tons of hours to barely surviving and covering all sorts of charges on my credit card. I didn't have enough to pay on the card so I got a nice lil' call when they finally caught up with me and they took like $35 or $50 out of my account unexpectedly. I had to figure out what I was going to do as far as rent.

Then Christmas eventually rolled around and I couldn't have cared less. Merry Christmas. I've barely got my health, got my girlfriend, and I've got bills out the a**. Then into the new year.

2009 isn't looking much better. Here's what's happened thus far. I took my fill of abuse in the means of inadvertently being told stop begging for hours and “we'll see what we can do” and still only being given 8 hours a week to work to transferring out. I found another location in Fishers which was more than willing to accommodate me. I was closer to Lilian, I could have more money to pay my bills and start working toward something more with her.

Then at the end of March we broke up...again. It was more like I know relationships aren't just about the one person but I'm sorry I can't do this anymore. I'm tired of the dramatic ups and downs and when things are good they're great. They're amazing but when things are bad they're horrible. I can't do this anymore! I DON'T LOVE YOU! Yeah that part was in caps because she was yelling it past the tears that I was helping to wipe off of her face. “I'm sorry but there's just no other way for me to say it.” And then the rain came down so hard. I came down around me and it came down in my head. Its like standing at the circle of downtown and watching all the buildings fall down around you and there's nothing you can do about it. You just pray for a quick end.

My car broke down. The damned thing would not start for the life of me. Lilian's dad comes around and noticed my car was acting up again and said she could give me a ride to work. I didn't want to ride with her. I just wanted to let her go her own way. Apparently, doing the same thing in the relationship wasn't the way to go. Despite everything. The excessive goofiness, the lack of seriousness in some situations, the lack of consideration and compassion, the lack of being refined and ladylike...none of that mattered to me. All I wanted was her. Just as she was would've been fine. You don't have to cook. You don't have to clean. You don't have to be my savior. You don't have to be superwoman. Just be you.

Those words will forever echo into my heart. Etched into my very f***ing soul. Despite everything I looked at us as best friends and lovers. We could tell each other anything and everything. We could cross the boundaries and come back again. There were times when i wanted to shout at her or even worse but took time away from her and backed away from the situation so I didn't say or do anything regrettable. I thought I was doing something right. Doing something to preserve things. Doing things in a way that would've been fitting and acceptable. Apparently, I was damned from the beginning. It's not a falling away. It's not a calling it quits. It's a realization that things were never ever meant to be in your favor. I mean it.

I saw a friend of mine for one of the last times I will probably ever see her again. She moved to Texas. I went back to my car and it started one more time and I barely made it home. On the ride home I got a phone call and heard sobbing. A friend of our family had been shot in the heart and killed. I could help but thing “D*mn, God, how much more can I take?” We're not supposed to be dealing with more than we can handle but we get awfully f***ing close.

I held on to hope because we talked again after that. She was confused about her decision but I think what it was is that she wasn't confused about her decision but more in turmoil because she began to give away her heart to someone else. I think she might be falling for another friend of hers that she went to school with: Aaron.

I mean, it's alright. I have no place or say anything or do anything – as she'd like to say. If that's what she really wants then so be it. F*** it. This life is so hard to deal with. Where is my God? Why am I always left holding the bag? I am sick to death of all the pain and the sorrow. Is that all that this life is? Suffering?

I can't breathe. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I'm taking so many antidepressants I'm attempting not to overdose but from the core part of my heart I really do. I want to overdose. God help me I want to die. I mean, I've been to this point before where I didn't care if I lived or died but food has lost it's taste. Life has lost it's enjoyment. There's no love here. There's no life. There's no light. Only darkness and pain.

The only thing that sedates me are the pills. The only thing that consoles me are the thoughts of my own demise. I keep playing with the idea. 7/8/09. One day and 30 minutes after the day and time of my birth. It's like a numbers game in my head. I was born during a day and time considered to be lucky – fortunate – in communication/alignment with The Creator. And one day, half an hour, and an undisclosed amount of seconds later I keep playing with the concept of ending my life.

I mean, why not? If we, as humans are the closest things to God and God likes to do associations by numbers why can't I? My first name has 7 characters, middle has 7 characters, and last name has 5 characters and surname has 2. which adds 3 7s to the equation. Not sure what that means for me and my life. In terms of numerology or something like that my numbers are 5 and 7.

I stopped keeping track of that stuff so much. I'm not sure how much it matters or if it even matters at all. Aside from all this since there's so many significant things throughout the word that are number related it's hard to keep track of it.

I spent about 3 days in mourning for my friends – their whole family. Went to the funeral and mom went to a special memorial service. Seeing people in that much pain is really freaking hard to deal with. Something inside of you cries out and something else dies. Watching people yell, people scream, people break down, nearly faint, and some being carried of somewhere to be comforted because they can't deal with it. One of the girls (sister to the son that was shot – not naming any names) is mentally handicapped. Seeing her all in a tizzy was hard. I mean, she may or may not even grasp the totality of the situation just know that her brother is gone and he's not coming back. Or just know that her mother or sister or entire family is in some serious heart-wrenching pain.

I don't know. I don't know all of what she knows. And then there's his son. A tiny little boy about 4 years of age. He saw his father gunned down. He was able to say the man shot daddy right here *points to a spot on his chest* and then daddy fell down right here *points to a spot on the ground* and the men (paramedics) tried to bring daddy back but daddy's gone. What a profound effect that must've had on that boy. Not only to lose your father at such a young age but to have seen it? And to be able to say that much? There must be some sort of restitution that happens in situations like these. There has to be.

Mom would recant of the days in which she used to say that the mom honestly believed that my mom was lucky because she had me. I could've went the route that he went. We were the same age and grew up in similar situations in similar neighborhoods. I didn't end up how he did...in more ways than a little. And just when he was turning his life around he was gunned down. It's f***ed up how things end up sometimes. There's no real sense of rhyme or reason for any of it.

Now with all that I am I spend all my time playing Guild Wars, working, spending a less than adequate time among other living people and sleeping. I keep myself nice and sedated so I don't have to deal with the world around me and so I don't do anything to myself. Regardless of it all I still have to deal with some pain. I try really hard to avoid thinking at all. I know my thoughts are really cyclical so just when I think it's all over they come right back.

Mostly my thought pattern will focus around Lilian and this whole mess. In my mind she was really my last chance for a sense of happiness or a future. I don't really see anything now but when I was with her I could see what our future children could look like. I spent a lot of time thinking of names...male and female and the more I think about it all I think of how this will never come to pass now. My friends are pretty much like she's burned you twice now why would you want her back after all this? But I can't help how my heart feels. I hurt for her. I yearn for her. I love her with every ounce of my being.

I can't stop thinking about her. I can't stand to look at a Buick. Everyone in it looks like her. I'm always looking for her just so I can catch a glimpse of her. I'm awake around the same time she would be driving to work. And I'm thinking “right about now she would be at this point in the city, right about now she would be here or turning in this general direction, right about now she's passing me by...just like in life not only directionally.” and I think to myself God is this my destiny? Will I always be so painfully skeptical and cautious that everything good about life will pass me by? If that's how it's going to be – if that's the extent of everything that's supposedly love for me...I can't deal with this. I can't keep giving away pieces of myself and of my heart and let someone get so close to me I feel like I need them so deeply in my life. I can't have that person consume so much of my time and thoughts and my every fantasy just to up and disappear like that.

I wanted to give her my everything. I wanted to make her my wife. I wanted her to have my children. I still think about her hugs, her holding me, her kissing me, and everything else. Most everything I shared with her, I gave to her, was everything that I would give intently to the person I wanted to marry. I guess I can say to Hell with that now.

Part of me feels a lot like Jennifer Aniston's character in Bruce Almighty. I'm praying in my mind please Lord I can't deal with the pain. Please let me not be in love with her anymore. It hurts when I open my eyes, it hurts when I breathe, I hurt when I wake up, I hurt when I smile. I don't cry as much as I want to. My self-defense mechanisms won't allow it.

Currently, my main goal is to not break down. My heart rate keeps beating out of control, my heartbeat keeps becoming more and more erratic, my body keeps having nervous shakes and I get so weak that moving and walking isn't an option. Talk about crippling panic attacks. This is literally killing me.

That's all for the sadness portion of what plagues me. Now for the anger.

What in the hell? Why would someone know what was going on through their head for 3 months and not tell the other person? If you knew you didn't want to be with me and wanted to be with someone else or whatever you should've let me know. I had no problem telling you all the things that were going on in my head – spilling my guts, giving you my heart, giving you my body, giving you my love, my thoughts, my money, my blood/sweat/tears, my everything.

You couldn't even open up and talk to me. Talk about some bulls***. And I'm supposedly your best friend and your intellectual stimulation. What the f*** ever. Just admit it. I'm nothing to you. You know how I can tell? You stopped being a friend long before you stopped being a girlfriend.

Friends open up. Friends give freely. Friends don't continually dredge up old sh** and toss it back in the other person's face. Friends give their time to commit to any sort of continuation of a relationship. They don't just call they come by. They spend all the time with you that they can and don't run around doing other sh** the whole f***ing time. If I wanted to cook I'd take a class. If I wanted to clean I'd be at the door with a d*mn broom and dustpan.

A long a** time ago we had all these f***in talks about all this stuff and now I wonder if any of it was true at all. Part of me feels so sorry for anyone that ever chooses to get close to you. You spend so much of your d*mn time talking about how you want, you need, you this and that and then when you get it you don't know how to treat it or discard it. You are that Robot Chicken satirical emulation of The Last Unicorn. Another unicorn shows up and you gar the sh** out of it with your horn and then go back to talking about “oh woe is me”.

Right about now she's probably falling for someone else. Kissing someone else. Loving someone else. I don't know what else to/with someone else. Don't think that she's that kind of person. I hope not. I'd like to think I know her better than that. But s*** for that matter there were a lot of things I would've liked to have thought that I knew. Come to find out I didn't know s***.

Why is it that I think I can never be in love? That I can never be open? That I can never be happy? Because life doesn't end up that way. All my life's experiences have shown me that all that I have to look forward to is pain. Pain and change are the only constants. So by default I was totally f***ed from birth.

Everything relationships have ever taught me, in any form or fashion, are that people can't be trusted. You can't lean or depend on anyone. It really is all you. Balls to the wall. You come in to this f***ed existence alone and you're crippled. And you essentially leave out the same way. Crippled and alone.

D*mned shakes and breathing problems. “Each morning I get up I'm dying...can't barely stand on my feet.”

Last time it was like a 2 month break. This time feels a little more permanent. From wanting to get married to barely wanting anything to do with me. What a sucky existence I have. I am wandering without any focus. I'm hearing weird sh** every time I start to feel like I'm going to end it before my set appointment. Some woman's voice that I don't recognize saying something to the effect of “don't do it”. Creeps me the hell out and yet piques my curiosity in a way that I'm not accustomed to.

I couldn't but wonder “Do what”? Don't kill myself? Don't lose faith? Don't lose hope? Don't do it...why not? The voices at random are the most intriguing of all my life's happenings. One of my friends (Joey) gave me some interesting insight – yet another interesting interpretation of the bible in terms of it's meaning and functionality and things of spiritual and numerical and all sorts of other forms of value. And just to indulge my brain a bit in this thing that God as a spirit and all these different aspects of nature and the world around us and Jesus as this perfect manifestation of God in the flesh – all of the spiritual realm and the natural order speaking and communicating with us... I don't really know if there's something in the word that speaks to my bloodline and dreams and voices and whatnot. I know there's an overall generalization of my generation or the peoples of this world and the end times.

Thing is it's not the first time I've heard it. I remember a time when Lilian and I were in the kitchen and I pulled her close to me. And we kissed so deeply. And she stared into my eyes and we kissed. It went on like this for a while. And then I heard it. “You're happy aren't you? It feels good doesn't it. Enjoy it while it lasts. Cherish it. It won't last forever.”

Then I began to dwell on it and “spontaneously”began crying. But it wasn't the type of crying where your face folds up and looks so incredibly anguished. But rather the kind where tears just start flowing wit no real signs of a beginning or an end. Just flowing. And she kept asking me what's wrong. And I said nothing. I mean, who wants to explain that in such a tender moment? Maybe that was God. Maybe she wasn't the one for me. Maybe I don't actually have a “one for me” and I should just give the hell up.

There's no chance that I'll find someone that's a virgin. That loves me completely. That's dedicated. That won't cheat. That won't break my heart. That won't hurt me. I mean, really hurt me. I can't help but feel distraught. Am I not supposed to dream? What can a man have if not motivation and drive and dreams? Am I not supposed to be happy? Am I not allotted that basic joy of having someone? I felt comfortable in my heart saying “This is my woman. The mother of my future children. And I am her man. Her future husband.”

Apparently I don't have a betrothed nor a beloved. The only person I'm allowed to love is myself and I can barely manage that one. How pathetic is it that I can't even look at a car that somewhat resembles her own without looking at the driver just hoping that it's her so that I can catch a glimpse? That I look around my house and all I see is her? Everything I've ever done plays and replays in my head over and over again making the minutes unbearable. Every time I'm in my car I see her in the passenger's seat. I can't stand to look to my right. And she still fills my every thought and all my fantasies. I hate myself for still whispering “I love you” to her when I leave the house. And especially for feeling something like this knowing it's killing me slowly.

One thing that holds me especially curious is where does the line begin and end with love and adoration and fascination or obsession? Is love not supposed to be in your every waking breath? Is it not supposed to consume your thoughts? And yet is God not supposed to be the very pinnacle of all hierarchy? The crux of all your thoughts? Is that why I'm unhappy? Is He not number one? And if that's the case, is that why everything I ever work so hard to build and make a move toward crumbles and collapses underneath me?

Some believe that all you have to do as a person of faith is believe and pray and things will work themselves out. Just sit back and wait on God to move. Others believe that God helps those that help themselves. Prayer, faith, and waiting are a part of it but there is a time and a place for everything and a large part of it is also determined by you and God's will for you.

This ebb and flow of tears. It's maddening particularly in the late hours of the night. Part of me wants to cry and the other part doesn't. It's not as if though I'm fighting the emotion because I'm wanting to. It happens automatically without any direct effort on my own behalf.

I can't help but hide behind the laughter and smiles. It's a nice complimentary mask to hide all this sadness inside that's eating me up. I'm trying to hang out with as many people as I can manage to get together with. Trying to smother what I feel. Reading my bible, beyond the promise I made but maybe I can find reason to keep going. Don't yearn for anything. Don't feel anything. Maybe that's better than the pain.

And I keep thinking maybe I should talk to someone but then again that's never really been my thing. Anyone that knows me knows this fact. And as far as confiding in others goes my trust is more than a little low. It's absolutely dismal. It doesn't cease to be proven that every time I think it's alright to open up and trust someone somewhere along the line that faith is shaken and the trust destroyed.

As far as my connections with people go I talk to even fewer people now than I did before. I know I'm not too big on the social kick but this? This is ridiculous as well. On top of everything else then the guy calls me back and leaves his number and tells me that it is going to cost $200. Now, when I saw the initial damage that was done when my car coasted into his big black SUV (Jeep) it looked no bigger than 2 of my fingers put together. Maybe a thumb. I don't understand how something so small could cost so much.

I made a few calls around to other companies to see what I could come up with in a rather timely fashion. After roughly 24 hours I called some friends over at Church Brothers and described the damage done and they said a job like that should cost no more than $100. I could take it to them and they'd patch it and paint it for that price so I called that guy and he said that I could just send him a check for $100 and he'd get it done at his local mechanic rather than drive from Anderson to Indy to take care of it. It's funny how the price drops by $100 out of sheer convenience huh? Not to mention after very little pushing about who he is at this company he works at I came to find out he's a VP.

A f***in' Vice President at a company!!! Now, with that being said you would essentially be safe to assume that being a VP he's got money. So with all this money, you'd think he'd be willing to let a scratch like that slide. NOT that I'm trying to shrug and shirk off my responsibilities. I'm indebted to this man for the damage that I caused but if you see someone in a T-shirt for a f***in restaurant and you're in a suit about to hop a plane somewhere with your woman and you're a VP ...why try to rake that person over the coals? I gave him my name and info so it's not like I'm trying to dick him over.

I've always got to be especially leery of so many people because someone's always trying to pull a Pulp Fiction.

“What does Marcellus Wallace look like?
What country you from?
What ain't no country I ever heard of! They speak English in What?
Then you know what I'm saying!
Describe what Marcellus Wallace looks like!
What, I-?
[pointing his gun] Say what again. SAY WHAT AGAIN. I dare you, I double dare you, motherf***er. Say what one more g*dd**n time.
He's b-b-black...
Go on.
He's bald...
Does he look like a b*tch?
[Jules shoots Brett in shoulder]
Then why you try to f**k him like a b*tch, Brett?
I didn't.
Yes you did. Yes you did, Brett. You tried to f**k him. And Marcellus Wallace don't like to be f***ed by anybody, except Mrs. Wallace.”

Now, because he'd rather take it to his mechanic, I've got to make more phone calls and get something written up and a receipt of sorts saying that he would rather accept the $100 as payment for the services rendered and would rather take it to his mechanic than take it to mine. So be it. I'm just trying to make sure that my insurance premiums don't go up and these seemingly insurmountable problems don't continually rise. I mean, as far as I'm concerned I'm not going to get my hopes up. I'm always dicked but I could stand to be a little less dicked.

Some people have seen the real me and know that I'm like this on a regular basis. If not by appearance they at least know it's in my head. I'm planning to force myself to switch gears. I'm intending to hide it from even those that know me. And I'm trying to turn my life around. I'm giving myself a month. That's about all I have left in me.

I think I'm done messing with Lilian What I mean to say is, I'm done extending my hand to her. The way she expresses herself to me involves such overall disdain for someone who's supposedly so important to her and in her life that I don't even want to involve myself in that. She seems happy and content the way she is without me...or at the very least with me at more than arms length away from her. So be it. I was crowding her and I know that but giving her space doesn't necessarily mean I'm trying to get with you just talk to you because I miss you. It's a heartache sort of thing and honestly heart felt. But, s***, like I could tell her any of these things – like she'd listen to me. Hell, like it would matter at all.

What things I don't understand in the way of her thinking process is she's like “I'm doing what I want for my sake for once.” Sh*t, like you ever stopped. Once you started you took that path time and again. You interjected yourself into situations and put input in where it was neither asked or required. It's not like it wasn't appreciated but by the same token it was not always appreciated either. For someone who doesn't like drama you sure do seem to drag around and create a lot of it. All for the sake of caring. I never understood that.

Adding on to that, for someone that supposedly loves someone or something you'd think that you'd want to make moves toward the future or to be around that thing you love more often. The only f***ing person moving was me. I'm in an area of the state that I neither have feelings toward nor against. I don't know it as well as I would've liked and it all reminds me of the past.

In any case, I think because of my current status I'm losing weight. People are beginning to mention it. I don't know because I never pay attention to it. I don't eat much. I can't really sleep much either. That may have something to do with it.

Flipping back to the past, when she and I broke up the first time (I hate this phrasing because she left me, it wasn't a “we broke up” she quit on me) – because she thought that I wasn't wanting a family, a future, marriage and all this other stuff...I got texts about her day, what she was up to, what she was thinking about, her wishes and dreams. There's nothing now. Once a week, maybe twice, if at all in a two week period I'm lucky to hear anything from her at all.

I believe I have unmistakably developed an aversion to Bath and Body Works. Every time I smell it, it reminds me of her. The soaps around my home are all from there. This month is going to suck.

For the month of June, this is me decidedly taking a stand – against anyone and anything that would stand against me. And at the same time, besides all my misery and hating every waking moment, I'm pushing all that aside to enjoy things. Maybe in forcing myself to keep reading my Bible I can find something that speaks to me. Maybe there's something that will pop right off the page to me and make a dramatic difference in my life.

What the hell is wrong with people? Whether it's me thinking about Anna, Angelique, and in essence Lilian when people can't fix you they give up. They look at a problem and go “I can be your solution”. Why the hell do you think you can be my solution? I don't need to you to come down off your high horse and save me. Don't offer me redemption that you can't provide. I didn't ask for it so I don't need it. What I need is for things to go right. For plans to become actualizations. For problems to be solved. I don't need you thinking you can be my solution. I don't need anymore people trying to offer themselves up as my savior. But I'll tell you what I do need...I need a change of direction.

I need someone who's gentle when things need to be gently done. I need comfort when i need to be comforted. I need understanding when things are so horribly awry and it feels like no one understands. I need strength when I am weak. I need someone who has the curiosity, tenacity, and dedication to find out what it means to suffer like me, with me, and in some cases for me...for the moments in which I can't.

There was a quote I found on a colleagues Facebook: “Resolve to be tender with the young...Compassionate with the aged... Sympathetic with the striving... and tolerate with the weak and wrong.... Because sometime in your life you will have been all of these.” I resolve to pick up the pieces of my life and make an attempt to keep moving on – despite my thoughts and previous half-hearted attempts on my own life.

Don't get me wrong for even a moment. Even though I hate my life. Even though every waking moment and movement in this existence is a pain to me unlike any other comparatively. Even though everything reminds me of some sort of a past failure and though I feel like I'm always on someone elses back burner, even God's Himself....I have to keep moving. Eternally striving toward a pursuit of happiness.

Maybe it's a renewed sense of my being like I found in church though I couldn't stop thinking that “if I just sped up to a speed of x, and jerked the wheel toward y, then maybe just maybe I could be allowed to die” but I don't know if I can stop...not yet. I totally had it all planned out and now I can't really see myself doing it right now. I didn't want to do it at home. That did cross my mind. Alberto did that. It really messed his mom up since she was the one who found him.

I was thinking in my POS car since so much of my money and life and time and energy revolved around it, in it and all that. I'll end this here. For now...I will keep going. I must keep going

Current Mood: apatheticapathetic
Current Music: The Sounds of Guild Wars as I sit in my guild hall