I’m trying to get all this stuff off my mind while I have the nerve even though I’m nowhere near the person that I care about so dearly. Over the course of my stay out here in Denver I can’t get away from my old self. I can’t stop wanting to go goth and homicidal/suicidal. I keep desperately trying to find my sense of self over again – the brighter, happier me.
I’m probably driving everyone insane by staying in my shell. Scotty keeps worrying and trying to get me to come out of the house and go karaoke with him but I haven’t been up to it. I’ve just been staying to myself and sleeping as much as humanly possible. I stopped eating, sleeping, bathing, everything. I just wanted to die.
All that made sense was the pain and the tears. The reason behind it all, sadly enough, is a woman. Lilian, after 2 years and 3 months, called our relationship to a close. I’m single again but as far as I’m concerned am back on the market.
I can’t deny the fact that I miss her. She’s one of my first thoughts waking up and one of the last ones before going to sleep. I can’t text her as much as I’d like because of the fact that it’s like 15 cents for each text message. She doesn’t have unlimited. I’m not trying to raise her bill and any contact is better than none.
She keeps in contact and sending texts about silly things like how much she loves the Aerosmith song “I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing” or some seemingly new group called Secondhand Seranade and in response I’m just trying to fill her in on more great music like: Fly Away From Here (Aerosmith), Leona Lewis – Better In Time, How I Could Just Kill A Man – Charlotte Sometimes and some others.
It’s sad, really. We used to talk every single day and now we talk every two days, trying to do the friend thing and give each other space. I can’t stop telling her that I miss her. She keeps telling me little things like “I miss singing with you” as to not feed into the fact that I’m still pining for her.
As for me? I miss EVERYTHING about her! It’s sick really. I feel all f***ed up over this. I miss sitting with her, singing with her, eating with her, sleeping next to her, having deep conversations with her, spending quality time with her, being close to her, the smell of her hair, the smell of her skin, the taste of her kisses, the scent of her breath, her laugh, her smile, her expressions, her hugs, the way it feels when she’s next to me – close to me.
Ryan and I have been clowning everyday. Walking a lot, talking all the time, sitting together, watching movies, wrestling around, poking at each other (both of us are a little ticklish), sending random text messages to one another throughout the course of the day and trying to stink the other one out of the room. He’s got some of the worst gas ever. There’s only one dude I know who has worse gas and his name is Gary. We used to work at FedEx together.
This dude smelled like hot garbage and pickles every time he farted. I almost threw up. Worst of it is the fact that every time he did it, it lingered and when you were miles away from him after the fact you couldn’t stop remembering the smell and consequently the taste.
Getting back on task, while I’m here at Ryan’s place there’s something here that smells like Lilian and her house. I can’t deny that either. Suffering from depression is a bia. I can’t do anything without thinking of her. It hurts so bad. Back on the 13th of this month Stephanie called me and sent some text messages about what she’d been up to and how things are going with Josh. I hope he’s a good one. I can’t say I’m in support of their relationship because in my mind she already had her chance once she married James. He wasn’t that great of an individual back in high school (Broad Ripple) and she married him.
Things with those two fell apart after several years of marriage and 2 children together. Well now I just want to make sure that she’s ok with this guy. I can’t support it since she’s someone else’s wife as long as one of them is alive but I can wish her happiness, love and God’s presence.
The whole reason for bringing all this up is because along with that I’d heard that Hailie (my goddaughter) hadn’t shown up on the bus stop. I start freaking out (trying to remain calm), Stephanie is freaking out, Josh is freaking out, Tera (Stephanie’s sister) starts freaking out and I’m thinking about how I’m in Denver – what can I possibly do to help from across the country?! Then I get the message that they got her.
The bus driver got lost (my guess is he or she is new) and they were driving around for 3 hours because they got turned around trying to find the spot they picked her up from. Sad part is everyone back at the station was going home and couldn’t give a crap less. Our school system sucks. I might home school my future children.
Dealing with Joy through this whole ordeal hasn’t exactly been ideal. I’m asking questions and she’s not even responding and when she does it’s like the suckiest possible response ever. Joe had been the same way. I had to end up popping some anti-depressants after talking with him.
I asked Joy some questions and whether or not Lily and I will get back together. All she could say was wow. And when I asked what wow was that was her response. And And Lilian is busy forcing me out of her heart trying so hard not to love me…then and only then did she respond. I told her that now that Lilian is busy forcing me out of her heart I’m trying to find other things to do with myself. Her response was “her only insight is that it might be time to completely let her go. After hearing that portion of the story, pushing the guy away is a girl’s way of saying goodbye when they don’t actually have the heart to say it. “Friends” is the only thing she can see in our future at this point and this whole thing sucks so bad but I have to let go.
My response to that was less than favorable. Oh my sweet, Lord, I struggled with that one. First there was anger. I was enraged at the thought. Then shame, I was saddened by the way everything had transpired and even more so the feelings I had no idea of how to deal with. I kept telling myself I wasn’t in love throughout the entire ordeal but I don’t really know if that’s true. Sadness, due to the fact that it was over – I cried so much over this entire thing. Foolish because for being a man and supposedly some sort of leader with a dominant personality she still got to call all the shots.
I couldn’t help but feel foolish because I felt like some toy she’s done playing with. It began from a mutual attraction coupled with her desire to jump right into another relationship immediately after both of us had just ended one/gotten out of one. I was miserable without Anna. She was miserable being with Jeremy. And then when times got tough and she felt as if though she needed her space she ended things with me. Her fear of being alone and my fear of letting someone in really f***s things up.
I mean, it’s like she called all the shots and I have no say. It’s not like I can actively force her to be with me but it hurts like H*ll without her. To say the least I felt like a fool – a foolish tool. I wanted to take this opportunity to spend my time completely immersed in my environment. Even that didn’t work. There wasn’t a single moment when I wasn’t thinking about her. Even when I was off trying to do anything and everything to get her off my mind, it just wasn’t really in me. When I was looking at other women all I could think about was her and how they didn’t measure up.
I’d gotten too close to her to know that no one else really compared. I mean, people can be persuasive and intriguing but there’s so much I know about her in intimate detail that I can’t really even look at anyone else. I know what I have in her. That’s all I really care about.
At the moment, though, I was pissed. Then it became another moment in which women didn’t make any sense and it wasn’t worth trying. She really was, as far as I was concerned, my last shot. “Women are ridiculous. You all spend all this time trying to work your way into someone’s heart then whether or not you have it and without a second thought you throw it all away. Regardless of how you both feel or willingness to do better or make improvements there’s only what one party wants. It’s the most one-sided, selfish B.S. I’ve ever heard of. And what’s the purpose? What are you ultimately hoping for? It’s like fasting with no goal [in sight]. If there’s no goal in sight what is it all for?”
And in trying to let her go I can’t deny my own nature and question things. My biggest question was “What the heck was that?! Especially when it came down to me e-mailing her ALL my feelings and trying to let her go BEFORE I even came out to Colorado.” She saw my e-mail and sent a text back, called me and e-mailed me. We hung out one day and then made out like crazy and the whole thing about her trying not to be in love with me anymore came BEFORE the make out session and me trying to give her space and go our separate ways.
Ultimately, my answer was this…Joy is crazy and doesn’t know wtf she’s talking about. She admitted that when it comes to us and our relationship she has NO idea and all rationale went out the window. That was even less helpful, especially considering we’re talking about someone that actually spends time around us when we’re together.
From that time on my emotions were in a tizzy (so to speak) and I couldn’t deal. I was feeling too many things and all that was pushed aside from the immense pain. I went swimming to get some sunlight and get my emotional level up as well as get a work out. The brain and body releases endorphins with the sunlight and when being active SO I went to do just that. Then I went to take a nap like a fussy baby.
Ryan and I went to the clubs and danced and acted a fool. Then when I came back home and tried to sleep I couldn’t. I couldn’t stop thinking about her and I went to sleep thinking “if I never woke up again…that would be ok”. I spent the next day clubbing working out and drinking. I had generally had a glass of rum here and there mixed with Dr. Pepper. When we went out I had several shots of whiskey, beers, rum, and a bag of flaming hot cheetos. I had one of the worst episodes of diarrhea ever. It couldn’t have been described as anything less than “the Hershey squirts” – until it was like tomato soup.
I used a public restroom. That’s how bad it was. Anyone that knows me knows I hate using 2 things to go to the restroom: 1) I hate using a port-a-potty. I won’t do it if it can be avoided. If I had a SERIOUS case of diarrhea and could NOT hold it. I’ll use one and hover the entire time. I don’t want to touch it or anything in there. I don’t even want to admit that I went. And 2) I hate using public restrooms. They’re gross, people don’t take care of things, they don’t clean up after themselves and sometimes there’s no doors on the stalls so everyone can see you and your business. That was the case in Denver.
Not a single door and people could see me in passing. There was some weirdo moaning and groaning in the bathroom. If he wasn’t struggling he was getting off. That’s all I know. That was sick.
With this whole episode with Lilian, turning my back has to have been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do or endure. It’s not like Anna or Angelique. This is completely different. There’s someone that actually cares for me so deeply that she still wants to be friends after or friends in general – unlike the two of them (who I still watch CNN and FoxNews to see if they’re the victims of a tragedy).
Standing beneath the weight of it all is just too much to think about and too hard to stop thinking about. I hated it. I still do. Then on the 18th I sent a mass message asking six people for prayer. I needed it in a desperate way. I asked Scotty, Josh, JD, Terrance, Amber, and John. Then, I couldn’t sit still.
I asked them to pray for me because I needed to feel God. I needed peace of mind, mercy and grace. I wanted to kill myself. I didn’t have the energy or the drive to even do it. I went out to swim and swam till I didn’t have the energy and just let myself sink and honestly wanted to stay down there until I would float back up lifelessly.
Another one for the books – I don’t have the guts or what have you to do it. Today is the 19th. I sent Lilian a series of messages that I couldn’t keep bottled in. “I’m sorry that I’m the walking epitome of Eeyore. My heart is still with you. I promise that I am trying. I really am. I’m not trying to make things worse [(or harder than they have to be)] or drag this out but I can’t deny its existence. Sorry for any trouble I may be causing.”
She said I wasn’t causing trouble but there are things that should have been said long ago. I know that but I’m a late bloomer & slightly retarded. I still have a lot to learn. I know that. I told her I was sorry for not being as open and expressive as I’d like to be. I’m still getting everything out even though she’s probably not interested in hearing what I have to say.
I honestly thought she didn’t want to know it but instead had me spill out even more. There was a time when we would kiss and what not and I had an empty moment. Thinking about love and whether or not I could be open with her about what I was feeling at that moment. Part of me felt like I shouldn’t kiss her while feeling like that but I liked being with her so much and spent so much time questioning my emotions that all feeling needed to be shut out.
My personality type is analytical to a point where it becomes obsessive. All emotion goes out the window and I try to break down emotion and the purpose and everything else under the sun. I still didn’t get all the questions I had answered and I’m still asking myself what the heck to do about it all.
Now I’m feeling the repercussions of not telling her all these things and shut out my feelings to sort myself out. She told me it would’ve been nice to hear “my heart is with you” instead of telling her that everything was empty at the moment that she asked me.
More than anything I’m trying not to be a bother or bottled up inside myself and I’m sorry for the times and in a deep regret for the moments in which I was. I think I may just be afraid to call it “love.” It’s better off to be completely open than even the least bit closed off in a relationship and expressive.
She loved me for a good 2 years and wasn’t even sure that I loved her back. I once told her I loved her that I just wasn’t in love. I’m not even sure if that’s true. She thought her love for me was completely unrequited. That wasn’t the case. If I could describe it, then it would be anything but unrequited love.
If anything I can’t believe that anyone could love me. If you know me and I’m expressive on a deep and personal level and you read my words in my journal they’d probably think I was so screwed up. I personally think I’m completely screwed up. And for someone out there to love me let alone actually be bothered with me is a foreign concept to me. Every time I make a new friend it makes me happy. It means there’s hope.
However, I can’t help going back to these thoughts. I have SO many faults and I can’t help wondering what if I’m just the flavor of the week? I don’t want to be something that’s just “in” right now. I want to be something that’s always in season. One of my biggest fears is that I’ll be something that she wants and then a year later she won’t be able to stand the sight of me.
And yet, being without her in any sense of the word makes waking up that much harder. What’s the next logical step upon actually admitting that this is love? What about when she can’t stand the sight of me? I’m a mess now. What would happen to me if we got married and she didn’t even want me around? I’m scared to open up that much. It’s terrifying. God, I’m so scared.
My personal belief, which corresponds with Biblical teachings is once you get married there’s no turning back. I don’t believe in divorce. God hates it and so do I. I hate broken marriages and I hate infidelity. I want to be head over heels in love and I don’t want to question anything in that realm anymore. She once told me she could see herself marrying someone like me/marrying me. I can’t help but wonder in return does she really think that she could put up with me and my crap forever?
I can’t even stand myself half the time and someone else is going to come into my life and tell me they want to be with me? That they want me, even in my broken condition? I can’t see someone doing it. Not to mention the fact that I’m so angry for any myriad of reasons and so opinionated and I talk too much when I actually decide that I want to talk. And when I don’t talk I’m stuck inside myself and completely closed off.
There are still so many things I don’t want exposed. I don’t like being open and exposed. It’s so naked feeling and so painful. Admitting all these things is bad enough but how do I act on them?
She wandered into my life, seemingly out of nowhere. She came in and unexpectedly changed things. She inspired me to live my life. She helped to give me the strength to get up and keep going. She gently told me when I was being retarded. Yeah, like I said a million times over I have empty moments. Completely apathetic. I’d be lying if I said otherwise. I’m emotional and temperamental. I can’t help that, but asking questions to the point where it’s no longer a feeling is what I do.
I feel like feelings sometimes cloud judgment, and, just like the devil, himself, take us a lot farther than we are willing to go. I want to do things right the first time. I want to do what’s right by my God, my wife, and my kids. I want her in every sense of the word. My sights aren’t set on anyone else but her and I want only her. I want her at my side.
I like a certain degree of uncertainty. Living life on the fly/by the seat of my pants is no way to live and planning everything doesn’t really work out either. I get sick and I ache without her. The first face I want to see when I wake up is hers.
A while back I was shopping in Wal-Mart (during the course of this vacation) and my genitals were hurting. I mean, it felt like someone was trying to keep a boxing rhythm with my beanbag and I got scared. It didn’t matter how I moved or whatever. Everything HURT! I called her about it. I was afraid I’d end up like Lance Armstrong and have testicular cancer (God forbid) and I wouldn’t be able to have kids. I don’t want to have to sit back and do the in-vitro fertilization/artificial insemination thing. I told her I wanted her to have my kids if I should find out anything were wrong.
She said the only way she’d have my kids is if I married her. I told her flat out that if that’s all it takes I’d marry her. I have no problem spending the rest of my life with her. I can dedicate my life to her as my wife and my life to the children that she would mother and that I would father. If that’s really all it takes I can do that without a second thought. I can be a husband and a daddy.
Then just today amongst all this spilling of emotion I told her that sick or not if we were married and had 1, 2, or even 13 kids I’d thank God for all of them. That would simply be that. When I think of her the way that I do, my heart swells unless I’m thinking of my life without her in it. I need her in my life.
God’s honest truth…even if I get on her nerves and make myself enemy #1 by telling her all of this. The worst of it is she was working out so I couldn’t tell her verbally the way that I wanted. I had to pass it along through text messages, each over 3 pages long. My phone wouldn’t let me send the messages because my inbox and outbox were so full and the messages were so long. I actually had to rewrite several of them and attempt to send and resend all of them until finally it wouldn’t allow me to do anything.
But I couldn’t help but tell her. I couldn’t question it or hold it in anymore. Correction, I can always question it but if honest is what she wants then honest she’ll get. Even if it’s after the fact and all that. I don’t expect her to feel anything. I don’t expect her to even so much as acknowledge that I said it.
We ended up talking things out and she cried. I don’t what that means. And as of this moment we aren’t together so she can’t hear or deal with it and doesn’t know how to respond but at least I got it out and it’s off my chest. In any case this is the e-mail that I ended up sending to her.
This is probably the last message you're going to receive from me for a while. I felt it best to get off my chest while I still have the nerve. I didn't have the courage to send a text message or call. Not like me, I know. Sorry for that but hopefully this will suffice. I suppose it wouldn't make any difference hearing it from my own mouth. You aren't the only one with strong feelings. You're more open to yours than I am. I don't know what love is. I really don't. It would probably be a little more helpful if I stopped telling myself that and be more receptive to the idea of it happening than questioning it and poking at it with a stick and peering at it underneath a microscope examining it. I can't exactly say that I understand this. I do to an extent, please believe that much. I just can't imagine needing to know who you are, what you want, and where you're going and what you're doing this late in the growing up and advancing into adulthood process. Most people don't shut out their loved ones, forsaking all others, simply to find the answers they're seeking. They continue on carrying those that would want to come with on their travels. Sharing the good and the bad, happy and sad moments in their lives.
To me that's what love is. You told me you loved me time and time again but you sought yourself the first time in getting involved with me, then sought yourself again in forcing yourself not to love me. This is what love is to you? Do you really believe that this is the path meant for you? Learning to grow and come of age means doing some of it alone. Not completely. I'm not going to hold back. I miss you and I care for you deeper than I even care for my own self in most areas of my life. Maybe I didn't show it enough. I'm still learning how in my own right so how can I talk? You need your space. I get it. But I figured I'd at least let you know what's been going on with me. Since you're not the only one that's been crying and suffering and hurting for days on end.
I hadn't left my bed or home in days. I can't really eat. I can't sleep. What's so different about it this time as opposed to all the other times. It's because you're always on my mind. I can't do anything without you being there in some part. A lot of what I was beginning to love and enjoy about life was because you were by my side. Do you know what it's like to not be able to breathe? Have you ever known the feeling of drowning? It's like that for me. It's like pure adrenaline and fear and regret and sadness and all these things at once and you're struggling and you can't breathe or see your way out of it. I can't sleep without dreaming about you. And being without you is like a fish out of water flopping around waiting to be able to breathe again.
You wanted in and I let you in but can't help the fact that I keep my guard up because of moments like these. This is why I'm so heavily guarded. I grew attached to you. And then this happens. I'm not going to say that this is love especially when I don't know what love is. You and I both know and believe that too many people in this world and in this life are too quick to call something love and fall back on that like an end all answer to solve and absolve everything. "Because I was in love I did..."
The only thing I know is there's all these strong feelings that I don't know what to do with. I just had to get this much out. That's all. Since you've needed your space and are currently forcing me out of your heart and life I had to at least release something.
Worst part of it is that I can’t eat and can’t sleep still. I actually ate half of what Ryan ate (in terms of proportion size) and I got sick eating it. I didn’t throw it up but I felt like it. I hope I make it through this ordeal.
Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: Staind, Breaking Benjamin, and Sevendust