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26 July 2008 @ 01:43 pm
Things That Plague My Mind at 5:27 am  

What in the heck could I have done so progressively wrong to make you look at me the way you do right now? Am I that awful of an individual? All I can say that I wanted was you, with me, at my side, most times. Then give me space then come back again to pick up where we left off. This doggone indecisiveness. This holding back and refraining from telling me things that are important to personal growth. I can't help but wonder to myself what is this?

Why would you hold off until it's absolutely too late? I can't f**king deal with this. I hate people so much right now it's unbearable. I battle against these sides all the d*mn time and I can't take it. Feelings/Apathy, Acting/Complacence, Peacemaker/Warmonger. And me...at the end of it all left to think everything is OK when it's not.

Part of me is so upset with you right now and so upset with myself. And right there when I normally would just say “to h*ll with this” I find myself not being able to let you go. It hurts much more than I ever would've wanted or expected. Part of me feels like a break is a good thing and another part feels like I never should have gotten mixed up with you in the first place.

Stupid humanity. It sucks that I'm thrown into the middle of this pathetic disgusting miserable mess. And I'm not allowed to quit it at my own discretion. I'm in a real state of disbelief. Part of me honestly wonders if all this mess is me. I know it's not but I can't help but wonder. I keep asking others different things about me that are unattractive, less amiable/desirable traits that I might encompass. I'm not getting answers. It's not until I point some things out for myself that anyone speaks up.

The reasoning as to why I don't think all of it's me is because for someone that's supposed to be able to talk to you about anything, for feelings that are supposed to be above average, and you can't tell me when I'm doing something wrong-I mean, seriously, end-all wrong is criminal. And what am I supposed to do with abstract criticisms? I can't fix a problem if I don't know what it is. All things can do is get progressively worse or remain at a negative constant.. Communication is f**king key.

Current Mood: distresseddistressed
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