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21 July 2008 @ 05:08 am
Why My Heart Hurts So Much  

My heart feels like it's breaking. I haven't felt this absolutely horrible in 2 years. I recognize it for what it is. It's day 4 of this and I hurt so bad I feel like I could die. And for as much as I say it and think it I'm wondering how we can be allowed to feel like this and that not come to fruition. It's like I could die and it wouldn't matter so much right now because at least the pain would be gone.

It's comparable to that of a burn and after the burn the nerves dull and you get that painful, cold, dull feeling. For me, it's not located on any of my appendages. It's in my chest, throat, and stomach. Every day I'm on edge. Every day I feel sick to throwing up. Every day I feel like crying. Every day I feel week and I keep wearing this mask and whenever people ask me if I'm alright I snap out of it, greet them with a smile and bright eyes and tell them I'm fine and that I'm just spacing out. Sure, that's not completely true but at least it's true in part. That's all I can really divulge.

As it stands I'm just praying and holding out hope for a new day, one that's not so full of hurt. Mostly, I'm trying to sort out in my head whether or not I can do the friends thing beyond the relationship. After everything we've been through together and whatnot I don't know if I can do it. I was talking to Ryan and he recommended that if we don't make it was just take some time away from one another and then eventually we can attempt to be friends but even then seeing her without me by her side, or with someone else at her side....it's safe to say I don't think I can deal with that. Worst part of it is that I promised we could still be friends regardless of what happens and that would make me a complete and utter liar.

It sucks though because all I can think about in the time I've been away from her is just spending time with her, holding her, hugging her, kissing her and this uncontrollable urge to break down. As ridiculous as it sounds that's what I'm most compelled to do. Sadly enough, the last few times we were together I ended up doing all of the above.

I miss her voice being one of the last things I hear before I go to sleep at night. Call it a comfort mechanism but I just love hearing her. I love her sleepy sound. I used to get annoyed when she fell asleep on the phone and now if she were to call me and fall asleep and I could just listen to her breathing I couldn't possibly imagine myself any more elated. All I want is to smell her breath. And all I have is this koala she got from the zoo for me that she sprayed down with some perfume that I bought her. D*mn I miss her so much.

One of my friends tried talking to me about what I feel like and I tried to explain it in the best terms I possibly could. Imagine yourself on your period at its absolute worst. Now imagine that feeling in your head, neck, throat, back, stomach, and chest. Your arms and knees feel weak. You're dizzy and confused. You just wanna throw up, cry and pass out. That's what it feels like. She replied "I thought only girls felt like that" Thing is guys feel like that too we just don't always express it or we don't even know where to begin to do such a thing.

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