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04 June 2007 @ 06:12 am
Some Things Never Change  
As much as life takes its toll, it's twists and turns, soothing you and beating you some things just never change. For all the people that made some of the biggest differences in my life, they still remain the best part of my life when we all get together. The ones that fade off somewhere just because they have a significant other just need to be flogged. That's how I see it.

Two weeks ago Adam got married to Joanne, yesterday Matt married Rachel, before that Brian and April got married, before them Chris and Julie got married, and last year John and Melanie got married, and in the holiday season of 2005 Phil and Ruth got married. So many people I know got married and so many of them are my friends. It's really awkward. When we all started out, so many of us were friends. We were Da Guys. Then we realized how many of us were girls in the group so you had Da Girls too. Now nearly everyone's married. I'm not even getting the rest of the group in the mix.

I miss the way things were and I hate time for changing us all. I was talking to everyone at Matt's wedding and we're going to try to get something together for everyone like a big cookout or something. It would be good for the soul and the memories. I miss everyone. I grow to realize that more and more whenever we all do something as a group. Rachel and I were talking about how it used to be like 13 of the main core of all of us (though it felt like more - I'll take time out to count sometime) and now we all paired off and faded. I was like that's really messed up considering when we all went to a movie theater we took up a few rows like it was nothing. It's wack that we barely talk now.

Aside from looking at all the faces and the flood of memories the biggest and most pleasant surprise was Geraldine - Alberto's mom. It was good seeing her even though we didn't talk much. She was always "the adult" or "the parent". Gotta be good, gotta be nice, must not act a total food around this person. She was always nice and always social with us but we never knew what to say because of that fact. Since Alberto's death we've spoken very little. Even less than when he was alive. Before we were speaking because it was a kindness and respect thing. I mean, who just disrespects someone's mom? But when I saw her face I thought of my friend.

I miss him so much still. I had to stop myself from crying in front of her. I was tearing up in front of her and listening to her life, her plans for the future and how knowledgeable and wise she is. She's so interesting. She was a nurse, paramedic, and now she's going to school to be an art history major. Listening to her stories of education and struggling through some of the same classes I'm struggling through or have struggled through...I'm happy because she sounds so much like all of us.

Right now I'm doing what I've been craving. I'm connecting with new people and getting to know them a little better, but not just that, I'm getting to a deeper level of conversation, which I love. I've been thinking about school and my final grades. I've been thinking about God, love, life, marriage, children and what it is that I both love and am having issues with in each area.

I'm growing in understanding and knowledge and hopefully wisdom as well. I know I honestly have a long way to go as well but really I just want to know that everything is going to be ok and that my emotional and cognitive levels will carry me where I want to go in life. I'm not even exactly sure where that is. I just don't want to have a bland, mundane, and relatively meaningless existence. Everyone wants to be great but I honestly just need to know that I have a capability beyond that of the average human being to make an honest difference in myself and all those around me. I want to know and feel like I have this nearly visible connection with God and that I am sharing all of me (or most of what I am comfortable with) with the world. I want to pretend the world is a pool of wet cement and leave my imprint in it.

My state of being as of lately has been kind of erratic. I can't tell you the points I've reached over the course of the past week alone I can only really share where I'm at now. I'm doing just fine. I have stress. I worry. I'm angry. I love. I hate. I'm despondent. And I'm relaxing.

I'm spending a good portion of my time reconnecting with people that have graduated from Marian or from high school. There's too many of my relationships that have reached a point of coldness (for lack of a better term) that makes me feel uncomfortable. I like spending time and energy around people that honestly like to talk and think. I like spending time working on my body and mind and spirit. I like enriching my soul and hopefully igniting something in others as well. As per usual, I'm just dealing with all the past personal issues that plague me.

I'm still dealing with the fact that Anna and Angelique bailed out on me. I'm still pissed at the way things ended or how they ended things. I'm still pissed at how things have been since then. Blocking me from every aspect of their lives even though I'm not going to say or do anything. I just like to see that everything's still alright from time to time especially with all the accidents and murders going on as of late but now I don't care anymore. I hope they're happy. I also hope they get shot in the face. I'm not gonna lie to myself or to someone else about that fact either. F*** em both.

I'm still dealing with the fact that Alberto committed suicide. I'm still dealing with Drew's death. I'm still dealing with all that I've lost. I'm still forgetting what I've gained - mostly because in terms of people they have to show me that I've really gained something.

I'm still coming to terms with the fact that I have a gf now. I'm also freaked out by the 1 year mark but I'm not going to exclaim or anything. It's easy for me to make it to a year. It's everything after that's scary.

I still drink just not much. I go out like always but I don't do anything outrageously stupid. I still dance but mostly at home. I still sing and act ridiculous the degrees continue to vary. I'm still greatly full of anger, rage and a multitude of annoyances - who isn't? Some just more than others. Feeling what I feel doesn't make me a bad person. It's how I react when I feel this way that does and I almost never react because I realize the damage that causes. I always have which is why I'm such a homebody and whatnot. It keeps me out of trouble and ensures that I really think about everything.

School is still a pain in my butt. I'm seriously tempted to quit. I keep forcing myself to keep going. I have art history almost done. Graphic design is done, and I'm so close to being done with psychology. I wish I could immerse myself into it so that I could grasp it on a deeper level maybe then I wouldn't have to struggle through my classes so much. C, C, B, B, A, B, C and all that. Soon I'll be graduating with 2 degrees. Graphic Design and Art Therapy with minors in Art History and Psychology. Thanks for the support everyone. Suck my nuts everyone else.
 
 
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